![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drsquidloveSomeone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 3869
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
(Thank you, mazephoenix.)
Someone Like You
chapter 32: Stranger in a dark alley
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 31, History repeating:
Elliot went back to work, and faced Olivia's curiosity. He told her the thing with Toby was over, and didn't bother with details.
Toby went to visit Agent Taylor, and spilled Chris's secrets, penance at last for years of silence.
Elliot was back to profiling child-killers, but now he had a new companion on his shoulder.
Meanwhile, Toby realised that Holly was using the last of her summer vacation to babysit her father, so he wouldn't drink.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kathleen stood her ground on the stairs. "You can't just pass through this house and yell orders! You don't live here!"
"Didn't you learn a damned thing from being pulled drunk out of your car?"
"Why are you always bringing that up? I wasn't driving tonight!"
"You're still underage!"
"Everybody drinks, Dad! I'm almost seventeen, I'm not going to sit in my room and knit while everyone else my age is having a life!" Kathleen turned and stormed up towards her room.
"Elliot!"
Elliot stopped on the first step of the stairs, letting Kathy's sharp warning hold him back. His blood was rushing. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he had to say something, had to lock her in her damned room if that was what it took to keep her safe.
Kathy was close behind him, not quite touching. "How far do you think you're going to get with her in that state? Or you in your state?"
"Someone has to be the parent here."
Kathy didn't even flinch. "Don't play that game, Elliot."
"I can't fix another DUI, Kathy! Do you know what that cost me?"
"You're not going to fix anything tonight." Her even temper shamed him into quiet.
She waited until she saw she'd made her point, and then took a hold of his elbow. "Come on." Elliot needed to follow Kathleen upstairs, finish this, but Kathy was implacable. She pulled him until he followed towards the back door. She hated his temper, but she'd never been afraid of it.
"Outside?"
"Yes, outside." She went down the steps and kept going across the lawn.
"The swings?"
"Yes, the swings." She sat down on one, waited expectantly until he settled on the other. The porch light left the yard bright enough, though it was dim and private back here. They used to talk out here sometimes, back when they used to talk. Real conversations. "Are you ready to tell me what's been going on with you lately?"
"It's the same shit, Kathy. If we can't get Kathleen back under control-"
"I'm talking about you."
"Kathleen is-"
"You're not going to get through to Kathleen when you're this worked up and you know it. I thought you were dealing with your temper."
Elliot wanted to argue, but suddenly he was just too damned tired. He knew he'd been an unbearable prick lately, and Kathleen wasn't the only one who thought so. He turned to sit more comfortably, facing towards the house. "I met someone."
It was a moment before she answered. "I guessed." She sounded sad. All this, and he had to go and hurt Kathy, too. "I guess it didn't work out."
Elliot looked over, wanting to see her face as he said this. "It was a man."
She blinked. A lot of times. "Seriously, Elliot?"
When it all fell apart with Toby he'd been relieved that he hadn't told her, or anyone else. Relieved that Agent Taylor seemed to have disappeared, uninterested in telling the rest of the squad his secret. No need to worry about coming out of the closet now; he could go back to being manly, heterosexual Detective Stabler. Except how miserable was his life, that the bottom could fall out and nobody noticed?
Kathy had noticed.
"He was a witness I met on a case. We got to be friends and then... and then we were more than friends." Maureen had noticed, too, when she'd come bounding in, gleeful about having the secret, and he'd barked at her over some trivial stupid thing. He'd been a bad-tempered son of a bitch, lately, and it had to stop.
Kathy pushed herself back and forth on her toes, fingers tracing down the chain. "Here I thought twenty years of marriage meant we couldn't shock each other anymore."
"I thought being almost forty meant I knew who I was."
She chewed on that for a while. "Why did it end?"
"It turned out he was lying. About a lot of things. He didn't... I was just a substitute for someone else."
"And you got angry."
Elliot's jaw clamped tight.
She reached over, wrapping a hand around the swing's chain by his elbow to tip him towards her. "Why did you tell me you were a monster, Elliot?"
He'd said that? He didn't remember what he said that night on the steps. He couldn't tell her what he did. He couldn't tell anyone.
Elliot didn't want to be his father. He had to tell someone.
"I hit him."
A plane flew low, headed for La Guardia. Distant traffic rumbled. Silence from Kathy.
"It's no better than if I'd hit you, Kath. I hit him. In front of his eleven year-old daughter." Young Holly, who was probably never going to believe she was done seeing her father abused.
Kathy didn't try to comfort him. "Is he going to press charges?"
"He forgave me." He huffed, and looked up, watched the half-moon through the leaves. "I hit him, and he fucking forgave me."
Kathy was quiet for a long time. "You have to do something about your temper, Elliot. It's not enough to feel guilty, especially when you just twist that guilt up and turn it into more anger."
Elliot's cheeks were burning with shame. He knew this. He didn't want to hear it.
"Every cop's wife worries that her husband will be hurt in the line of duty, but I got used to that, nagging in the background. I was used to worrying you'd drive yourself into an early grave. Do you know what kept me awake at night the last few years?" She stopped, waiting. Elliot knew she wouldn't go on until he looked at her, so he forced himself to do it, to see the fear on her face. "I worried that you'd lose control with a suspect. I realised I was waiting for a call from Cragen to say you were up on charges. I was starting to believe you were never going to make it out of that hole you'd dug and that was the fear that killed our marriage."
She'd never put it so bluntly before. Or maybe he just hadn't been listening. "I went..." He didn't know why this was so hard to admit, to Kathy of all people. "I went to a counsellor when you left. She didn't help."
"So you find another one. And if that one doesn't help, try someone else. And if you want to give up, and our divorce wasn't enough, and your kids aren't enough, then you remember your friend's eleven year-old daughter, and go and find someone else."
Elliot pressed his cheek against the chain. "His name was Toby."
Elliot couldn't help wondering how Toby was doing. If he'd gone back to drinking. Elliot prayed he wouldn't do that to Holly on top of everything else.
He'd sat with his thumb on dial more than once, just wanting to know if Toby was keeping it together, but the temptation was always cured by the bile rising in the back of his throat when he thought about all the times he'd been intimate with Toby, slow kisses and fumbling touches; begging, needy words. Every time he'd laid himself bare Toby had been pretending he was someone else. Elliot had loved a phantom: he didn't know Toby at all.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Another coffee?"
"Sure." The coffee was terrible. He'd noticed the stand across the street outside the station was a lot more popular, but he wasn't here for the barista. "Do you have any croissants? A muffin, something like that?"
"Blueberry or banana muffins."
"Blueberry, thanks." He wasn't hungry either, but he'd already been warming this seat for a couple of hours. He owed them something. He knew it was a waste of time being here, but today he had the time to waste. Holly had finally agreed to spend the day with a friend, was finally trusting Toby to survive unsupervised for an entire day, and this was how he was spending it.
At least he wasn't watching from the bar next door. He'd stood in that open door for a good five minutes, breathing in the stale stink of carpet soaked with beer like it was a roast turkey dinner, thinking as hard as he could of Holly, thinking of Holly, thinking of Holly, until he pushed himself past.
Elliot probably never used the fancy front entrance of the 16th Precinct. And if he did come out, what would Toby do? Feel even shittier about his life.
A couple of uniformed cops wandered in, and Toby ducked his head. He wondered if they knew Elliot.
He wanted to see him. He wanted to know he was all right. He hadn't figured out how he'd tell from across the street, if he even saw Elliot, but he didn't have a better plan.
He wasn't here to win Elliot back. He just needed to know Elliot was okay, had to hope what he'd left was more like bruises than broken bones.
He caught his breath as Olivia came out the entrance, pushing her sunglasses on as she held the door, talking back to whoever was-
Elliot. Toby drank him in. He looked great. The charcoal jacket, light grey shirt, dark tie. He stepped into the sun, sliding his shades on before Toby could judge if he looked tired. It had been just over two weeks since Elliot walked out. Maybe he was over Toby. Toby's whole body was leaning forward, like a couple of inches could make a difference.
"Blueberry muffin. You know, a lot of cops eat here."
Toby glanced up at the kid, unable to believe she was interrupting his first glimpse of Elliot. "Sure, thanks."
Elliot and Olivia reached the bottom of the steps, and Olivia led the way to the coffee stand. The discussion looked intense. They didn't agree but they weren't angry. Elliot was rubbing his forehead, frustrated.
The waitress was talking.
"Sorry?"
"I'm just saying, if you're stalking cops, some of my other customers won't be too happy with that."
"I'm not." He was. It was exactly what he was doing, but there could have been a thousand other reasons to sit here staring at the police building for hours, as far as the waitress was concerned.
Elliot passed a cup to Olivia and dug change out of his pocket to pay. Toby watched as they wandered along the street across from the cafe. Elliot looked sexy as ever. Nobody filled out a suit like he did, and the sun lit him up, the glasses made him look like he didn't have a care in the world. Toby hoped that was true.
Liar. He hoped Elliot missed him.
The waitress was talking and Toby really didn't want to hear it, too busy watching Elliot's back as he turned the corner. Elliot was gone, and Toby was left with bad coffee and a prattling waitress. He looked down at his crumbled muffin. He couldn't remember if he ate any of it, but he pushed it aside and reached for his wallet. His phone rang and he picked it up straight away, glad for the excuse to blow her off. "Hello?"
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Toby froze. It was Elliot, sounding livid. He looked - there he was on the corner, two sizes bigger with fury. Feet planted wide, phone at his ear, eyes still hidden behind the dark glasses. The man that suspects saw. Sexy as hell, and twisted with hate. Toby did that.
"This is where I work, Toby. If you're hanging around as some kind of threat-"
"I'm not." That was the last thing Toby wanted. He was here to ruin his own day, not Elliot's. He just wanted to see him, know he was okay. He wasn't going to rush across and tell Elliot again how sorry he was. He wasn't going to tell Elliot he talked to the FBI, gave Taylor everything he had. Because then what? Elliot would pat him on the head and tell him all was forgiven?
"Then what the hell are you doing here?"
Toby couldn't speak.
"For fuck's-"
"I just wanted to see you."
If Elliot's expression shifted, Toby couldn't tell from here. "I don't want to see you around here again."
"I'm sorry."
Elliot lowered his hand and snapped the phone shut. It clicked in Toby's ear, and was silent.
I went to the FBI, Toby wanted to tell him. I told Taylor everything. I gave Chris up.
Elliot turned and strode around the corner, out of sight.
Toby laid down money for his check and a generous tip, and slunk out of the cafe. He made sure he left in the opposite direction.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot shoved his phone back in his pocket and forced a long, slow breath, concentrated on uncurling his fingers, one at a time.
He never would have known Toby was there, if Olivia hadn't told him. Had Toby been stalking him all this time? He'd doubled back and seen Toby in that cafe window and he'd almost been knocked off his feet by the sudden ache where Toby used to be. Suspended for a moment in the absence of air. He'd looked so sad.
Fury and fear had swept into the vacuum. What the fuck was Toby thinking, coming here? Elliot was struggling to stay focused already; if Toby dumped the wreckage of whatever the hell they'd been on the doorstep of the 16th, if Finn and the rest of them found out Elliot was just a dumb asshole cop taken in by a skel, Elliot was going to lose control of all of it. He wished Olivia would stop staring like he might explode at any moment. He hoped she wouldn't ask-
"Do you think he was here to make trouble?"
Of course he wasn't. Toby had been a massive asshole but he wouldn't intentionally out him to his colleagues.
Just like Toby wouldn't stab a man or love a brutal rapist or lie to Elliot to get him into bed? Elliot wanted to double-back, make sure Toby was leaving the cafe and getting his ass far out of Elliot's territory, but he didn't want to take the chance that Toby would approach him. Elliot still felt like a dirt bag for hitting him but that didn't mean it wouldn't happen again.
Olivia was still staring, waiting for an answer.
"I don't think so." He'd had plenty of time to expose Elliot, and he hadn't. And when he'd come to Elliot's home, he hadn't made any threats. He'd even seemed genuinely sorry that he'd used Elliot as a stand in for the scumbag he loved. Toby's pity didn't do a damn thing to ease the humiliation, but Elliot could hope it meant he wasn't planning to fuck up Elliot's life any further.
He couldn't deal with it right now. He couldn't think about Toby right now. He just had to make sure Toby was gone, and get back to work.
Elliot drained the last of his coffee and threw the cup in an overflowing trash can. "We need to get back up there, start making calls."
"Not until you talk to me."
She wasn't seriously going to do this now. Here on the street with Toby's hound-dog face still burning in his brain. Elliot just wanted to bury it, let it be another miserable fear his mind dredged up while he was trying to sleep tonight.
"What the hell happened with Toby?" She was. Fucking hell.
"Stay out of my personal life, Liv." Elliot stormed towards the corner.
"Just as soon as you get your personal life out of our job!"
He swung back. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Remember that part where we're supposed to back the victims? You all but called Lambros a liar this morning."
"She's changed her story three times since Saturday. I'm getting sick of chasing ghosts."
"She's scared, and it's not going to get better while you're barking at her. You've gone on the attack with every victim we've had since you split with Toby."
"That's bullshit."
"Kwoong, Paulson, Petrovich? Niccoletti almost did a runner when you were through with him."
Cragen had ripped him hard for that. Yeah, Elliot had been digging a little harder lately, but that was the job. You had to know who you were dealing with. "Lambros already admits she lied to her friends. I don't trust her." He didn't doubt she'd been attacked but there was more to the story, a history between her and the accused she wasn't sharing.
"You don't trust anyone, Elliot. You don't trust any of the victims. You don't trust Munch and Finn. You don't trust me anymore." There was hurt in her tone, and he cringed. He didn't have it in him to baby sit her right now. "You were starting to open up. Talk to me about things."
Yeah. At Toby's urging.
In those few seconds he had staring at Toby through the window of the cafe, there'd been no trace of Elliot's fist left on Toby's face, at least as far as Elliot could see from across the street. No sign of horns, or whatever Elliot had expected would make him look different to the man Elliot had been in love with two weeks ago. He'd tried to see him with a cop's eyes, tried to see the con, the killer, the lawyer who got a monster off on a technicality. He'd only seen Toby. The guy who'd murmured happily when Elliot slid in beside him at three am, who'd leaned over him in the morning, smiled and kissed him and urged him back to sleep.
When Toby was watching him sleep, he'd been wishing that Elliot was Chris Keller. Elliot's fingers curled up again.
"What did he do to you, Elliot?"
He took every flaw Elliot disliked about himself and curdled it into hate. He showed Elliot the monster inside him. Elliot could barely look himself in the mirror since Taylor threw that photo in front of him.
He'd forced himself to see a counsellor yesterday. Found one in the phone book, drove thirty minutes west of his house, far from anyone he knew, and tried to talk to a thirty year-old kid with a wall of certificates that told Elliot she'd spent more of her life in school than on the street. He'd stumbled to explain, never got as far as Toby, let alone Chris Keller. He wasn't going back there.
Olivia's phone rang. Thank god. She shot him a dark look, like he'd made it happen. "Benson. ... All right. ... On our way." She hung up. "Nerita Lambros came back. She wants to talk."
And Elliot had to keep his mouth shut and not scare her off again.
They didn't speak in the elevator. Followed Munch's pointed look to the interview room where Nerita Lambros was waiting, huddled miserably on her chair. She'd tied her wild, curly hair into a braid that fell over her shoulder, and she twisted the end in her fingers, eyes glued to Elliot.
He left the nearest chair for Olivia, took the other seat. "Nerita, I owe you an apol-"
"You were right." She sniffed and scrubbed a tissue across her nose. "I didn't tell you everything. I'm sorry."
Olivia sat. "The more you tell us, the better we can help you."
"It's so embarrassing. I'm such an idiot." She looked at Elliot. "He wasn't stalking me. We were... I liked him."
"You were dating," Elliot suggested, gently.
"I don't know if that's what it was. We were hanging out. He was always flirting with me. Guys don't usually... I'm not that girl. Obviously. He was so nice. He made me feel pretty." She shrugged, as though that was something absurd, and Elliot wished he could tell her she was, but that wasn't something for an SVU detective to tell a victim. "The day I saw him in the park it wasn't... I told him I was going to be there. It was my idea. And when he came to my apartment on Friday... I invited him. He was such a good guy. I wanted..."
"You were planning to sleep with him."
She caught her breath, fighting back a sob, nodding hard. "Yes. I mean, no, not yet. It was just coffee, but maybe..." She looked up at Olivia. "I wish he'd just cornered me in a back alley. Then maybe I'd just be afraid of men jumping out at me, you know? Why did he have to make me like him? Why did he have to make me scared of every guy who smiles or holds a door? I don't trust myself. I thought I was so damned good at spotting the creeps."
Elliot dug his fingers into his thigh. "It's not your fault, Nerita. He manipulates people. Anyone could be taken in."
"You're going to tell me you've been taken in, Detective Stabler? You're a cop. You see through people for a living."
Elliot dragged his chair closer. "And I've still been fooled by people I trusted. I've berated myself for letting someone in. Kept myself up at night counting all the clues I was stupid enough to miss. Couldn't look my friends in the eye, in case they saw how eager I'd been to make a friend. What sort of cop am I, that I'd assume the best of someone?"
She looked him over. "You're not going to tell me you were raped."
"I wasn't. But I do understand why you wish it had been a stranger in a dark alley."
Nerita gave a new statement, and this time it rang true. She wouldn't be much of a witness in court after all the revisions, but these were the details they needed.
When she picked up her handbag, ready to go, he touched her shoulder. "It's okay not to trust anyone for a while, Nerita, but don't let him ruin the whole world for you. Most people are good."
"Do you trust people, Detective Stabler?"
"Not many. You don't want to be like me. I'm kind of a prick."
She startled herself with a chuckle, and wiped her eyes. "Nah, you're okay, Detective."
Olivia stood at his back as he watched Nerita go. She waited until the elevator doors closed before she spoke. "Elliot-"
"I was conned." He looked around, made sure no one else as close enough to hear. "He was lying from the start. About all of it."
"All of it?" She was trying to be kind but all he heard was doubt.
"Every word out of his mouth."
"It sounded like he was happy with you."
"Shows what a fool I was, doesn't it?"
She was trying and he was snapping, and that was one of those flaws Elliot couldn't stand. He dragged his tone back to something civil.
"Getting involved with a skel. Who could have guessed that would go wrong?"
"I'm sorry."
Elliot swallowed. "Yeah."
"Do you want to go for a drink tonight?"
Elliot took a long, deep breath, wondered if Olivia knew how much he depended on her. "Yeah."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 32
Feedback provides all the nutrients a growing squid needs. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 3869
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
(Thank you, mazephoenix.)
Someone Like You
chapter 32: Stranger in a dark alley
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 31, History repeating:
Elliot went back to work, and faced Olivia's curiosity. He told her the thing with Toby was over, and didn't bother with details.
Toby went to visit Agent Taylor, and spilled Chris's secrets, penance at last for years of silence.
Elliot was back to profiling child-killers, but now he had a new companion on his shoulder.
Meanwhile, Toby realised that Holly was using the last of her summer vacation to babysit her father, so he wouldn't drink.
Kathleen stood her ground on the stairs. "You can't just pass through this house and yell orders! You don't live here!"
"Didn't you learn a damned thing from being pulled drunk out of your car?"
"Why are you always bringing that up? I wasn't driving tonight!"
"You're still underage!"
"Everybody drinks, Dad! I'm almost seventeen, I'm not going to sit in my room and knit while everyone else my age is having a life!" Kathleen turned and stormed up towards her room.
"Elliot!"
Elliot stopped on the first step of the stairs, letting Kathy's sharp warning hold him back. His blood was rushing. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he had to say something, had to lock her in her damned room if that was what it took to keep her safe.
Kathy was close behind him, not quite touching. "How far do you think you're going to get with her in that state? Or you in your state?"
"Someone has to be the parent here."
Kathy didn't even flinch. "Don't play that game, Elliot."
"I can't fix another DUI, Kathy! Do you know what that cost me?"
"You're not going to fix anything tonight." Her even temper shamed him into quiet.
She waited until she saw she'd made her point, and then took a hold of his elbow. "Come on." Elliot needed to follow Kathleen upstairs, finish this, but Kathy was implacable. She pulled him until he followed towards the back door. She hated his temper, but she'd never been afraid of it.
"Outside?"
"Yes, outside." She went down the steps and kept going across the lawn.
"The swings?"
"Yes, the swings." She sat down on one, waited expectantly until he settled on the other. The porch light left the yard bright enough, though it was dim and private back here. They used to talk out here sometimes, back when they used to talk. Real conversations. "Are you ready to tell me what's been going on with you lately?"
"It's the same shit, Kathy. If we can't get Kathleen back under control-"
"I'm talking about you."
"Kathleen is-"
"You're not going to get through to Kathleen when you're this worked up and you know it. I thought you were dealing with your temper."
Elliot wanted to argue, but suddenly he was just too damned tired. He knew he'd been an unbearable prick lately, and Kathleen wasn't the only one who thought so. He turned to sit more comfortably, facing towards the house. "I met someone."
It was a moment before she answered. "I guessed." She sounded sad. All this, and he had to go and hurt Kathy, too. "I guess it didn't work out."
Elliot looked over, wanting to see her face as he said this. "It was a man."
She blinked. A lot of times. "Seriously, Elliot?"
When it all fell apart with Toby he'd been relieved that he hadn't told her, or anyone else. Relieved that Agent Taylor seemed to have disappeared, uninterested in telling the rest of the squad his secret. No need to worry about coming out of the closet now; he could go back to being manly, heterosexual Detective Stabler. Except how miserable was his life, that the bottom could fall out and nobody noticed?
Kathy had noticed.
"He was a witness I met on a case. We got to be friends and then... and then we were more than friends." Maureen had noticed, too, when she'd come bounding in, gleeful about having the secret, and he'd barked at her over some trivial stupid thing. He'd been a bad-tempered son of a bitch, lately, and it had to stop.
Kathy pushed herself back and forth on her toes, fingers tracing down the chain. "Here I thought twenty years of marriage meant we couldn't shock each other anymore."
"I thought being almost forty meant I knew who I was."
She chewed on that for a while. "Why did it end?"
"It turned out he was lying. About a lot of things. He didn't... I was just a substitute for someone else."
"And you got angry."
Elliot's jaw clamped tight.
She reached over, wrapping a hand around the swing's chain by his elbow to tip him towards her. "Why did you tell me you were a monster, Elliot?"
He'd said that? He didn't remember what he said that night on the steps. He couldn't tell her what he did. He couldn't tell anyone.
Elliot didn't want to be his father. He had to tell someone.
"I hit him."
A plane flew low, headed for La Guardia. Distant traffic rumbled. Silence from Kathy.
"It's no better than if I'd hit you, Kath. I hit him. In front of his eleven year-old daughter." Young Holly, who was probably never going to believe she was done seeing her father abused.
Kathy didn't try to comfort him. "Is he going to press charges?"
"He forgave me." He huffed, and looked up, watched the half-moon through the leaves. "I hit him, and he fucking forgave me."
Kathy was quiet for a long time. "You have to do something about your temper, Elliot. It's not enough to feel guilty, especially when you just twist that guilt up and turn it into more anger."
Elliot's cheeks were burning with shame. He knew this. He didn't want to hear it.
"Every cop's wife worries that her husband will be hurt in the line of duty, but I got used to that, nagging in the background. I was used to worrying you'd drive yourself into an early grave. Do you know what kept me awake at night the last few years?" She stopped, waiting. Elliot knew she wouldn't go on until he looked at her, so he forced himself to do it, to see the fear on her face. "I worried that you'd lose control with a suspect. I realised I was waiting for a call from Cragen to say you were up on charges. I was starting to believe you were never going to make it out of that hole you'd dug and that was the fear that killed our marriage."
She'd never put it so bluntly before. Or maybe he just hadn't been listening. "I went..." He didn't know why this was so hard to admit, to Kathy of all people. "I went to a counsellor when you left. She didn't help."
"So you find another one. And if that one doesn't help, try someone else. And if you want to give up, and our divorce wasn't enough, and your kids aren't enough, then you remember your friend's eleven year-old daughter, and go and find someone else."
Elliot pressed his cheek against the chain. "His name was Toby."
Elliot couldn't help wondering how Toby was doing. If he'd gone back to drinking. Elliot prayed he wouldn't do that to Holly on top of everything else.
He'd sat with his thumb on dial more than once, just wanting to know if Toby was keeping it together, but the temptation was always cured by the bile rising in the back of his throat when he thought about all the times he'd been intimate with Toby, slow kisses and fumbling touches; begging, needy words. Every time he'd laid himself bare Toby had been pretending he was someone else. Elliot had loved a phantom: he didn't know Toby at all.
"Another coffee?"
"Sure." The coffee was terrible. He'd noticed the stand across the street outside the station was a lot more popular, but he wasn't here for the barista. "Do you have any croissants? A muffin, something like that?"
"Blueberry or banana muffins."
"Blueberry, thanks." He wasn't hungry either, but he'd already been warming this seat for a couple of hours. He owed them something. He knew it was a waste of time being here, but today he had the time to waste. Holly had finally agreed to spend the day with a friend, was finally trusting Toby to survive unsupervised for an entire day, and this was how he was spending it.
At least he wasn't watching from the bar next door. He'd stood in that open door for a good five minutes, breathing in the stale stink of carpet soaked with beer like it was a roast turkey dinner, thinking as hard as he could of Holly, thinking of Holly, thinking of Holly, until he pushed himself past.
Elliot probably never used the fancy front entrance of the 16th Precinct. And if he did come out, what would Toby do? Feel even shittier about his life.
A couple of uniformed cops wandered in, and Toby ducked his head. He wondered if they knew Elliot.
He wanted to see him. He wanted to know he was all right. He hadn't figured out how he'd tell from across the street, if he even saw Elliot, but he didn't have a better plan.
He wasn't here to win Elliot back. He just needed to know Elliot was okay, had to hope what he'd left was more like bruises than broken bones.
He caught his breath as Olivia came out the entrance, pushing her sunglasses on as she held the door, talking back to whoever was-
Elliot. Toby drank him in. He looked great. The charcoal jacket, light grey shirt, dark tie. He stepped into the sun, sliding his shades on before Toby could judge if he looked tired. It had been just over two weeks since Elliot walked out. Maybe he was over Toby. Toby's whole body was leaning forward, like a couple of inches could make a difference.
"Blueberry muffin. You know, a lot of cops eat here."
Toby glanced up at the kid, unable to believe she was interrupting his first glimpse of Elliot. "Sure, thanks."
Elliot and Olivia reached the bottom of the steps, and Olivia led the way to the coffee stand. The discussion looked intense. They didn't agree but they weren't angry. Elliot was rubbing his forehead, frustrated.
The waitress was talking.
"Sorry?"
"I'm just saying, if you're stalking cops, some of my other customers won't be too happy with that."
"I'm not." He was. It was exactly what he was doing, but there could have been a thousand other reasons to sit here staring at the police building for hours, as far as the waitress was concerned.
Elliot passed a cup to Olivia and dug change out of his pocket to pay. Toby watched as they wandered along the street across from the cafe. Elliot looked sexy as ever. Nobody filled out a suit like he did, and the sun lit him up, the glasses made him look like he didn't have a care in the world. Toby hoped that was true.
Liar. He hoped Elliot missed him.
The waitress was talking and Toby really didn't want to hear it, too busy watching Elliot's back as he turned the corner. Elliot was gone, and Toby was left with bad coffee and a prattling waitress. He looked down at his crumbled muffin. He couldn't remember if he ate any of it, but he pushed it aside and reached for his wallet. His phone rang and he picked it up straight away, glad for the excuse to blow her off. "Hello?"
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Toby froze. It was Elliot, sounding livid. He looked - there he was on the corner, two sizes bigger with fury. Feet planted wide, phone at his ear, eyes still hidden behind the dark glasses. The man that suspects saw. Sexy as hell, and twisted with hate. Toby did that.
"This is where I work, Toby. If you're hanging around as some kind of threat-"
"I'm not." That was the last thing Toby wanted. He was here to ruin his own day, not Elliot's. He just wanted to see him, know he was okay. He wasn't going to rush across and tell Elliot again how sorry he was. He wasn't going to tell Elliot he talked to the FBI, gave Taylor everything he had. Because then what? Elliot would pat him on the head and tell him all was forgiven?
"Then what the hell are you doing here?"
Toby couldn't speak.
"For fuck's-"
"I just wanted to see you."
If Elliot's expression shifted, Toby couldn't tell from here. "I don't want to see you around here again."
"I'm sorry."
Elliot lowered his hand and snapped the phone shut. It clicked in Toby's ear, and was silent.
I went to the FBI, Toby wanted to tell him. I told Taylor everything. I gave Chris up.
Elliot turned and strode around the corner, out of sight.
Toby laid down money for his check and a generous tip, and slunk out of the cafe. He made sure he left in the opposite direction.
Elliot shoved his phone back in his pocket and forced a long, slow breath, concentrated on uncurling his fingers, one at a time.
He never would have known Toby was there, if Olivia hadn't told him. Had Toby been stalking him all this time? He'd doubled back and seen Toby in that cafe window and he'd almost been knocked off his feet by the sudden ache where Toby used to be. Suspended for a moment in the absence of air. He'd looked so sad.
Fury and fear had swept into the vacuum. What the fuck was Toby thinking, coming here? Elliot was struggling to stay focused already; if Toby dumped the wreckage of whatever the hell they'd been on the doorstep of the 16th, if Finn and the rest of them found out Elliot was just a dumb asshole cop taken in by a skel, Elliot was going to lose control of all of it. He wished Olivia would stop staring like he might explode at any moment. He hoped she wouldn't ask-
"Do you think he was here to make trouble?"
Of course he wasn't. Toby had been a massive asshole but he wouldn't intentionally out him to his colleagues.
Just like Toby wouldn't stab a man or love a brutal rapist or lie to Elliot to get him into bed? Elliot wanted to double-back, make sure Toby was leaving the cafe and getting his ass far out of Elliot's territory, but he didn't want to take the chance that Toby would approach him. Elliot still felt like a dirt bag for hitting him but that didn't mean it wouldn't happen again.
Olivia was still staring, waiting for an answer.
"I don't think so." He'd had plenty of time to expose Elliot, and he hadn't. And when he'd come to Elliot's home, he hadn't made any threats. He'd even seemed genuinely sorry that he'd used Elliot as a stand in for the scumbag he loved. Toby's pity didn't do a damn thing to ease the humiliation, but Elliot could hope it meant he wasn't planning to fuck up Elliot's life any further.
He couldn't deal with it right now. He couldn't think about Toby right now. He just had to make sure Toby was gone, and get back to work.
Elliot drained the last of his coffee and threw the cup in an overflowing trash can. "We need to get back up there, start making calls."
"Not until you talk to me."
She wasn't seriously going to do this now. Here on the street with Toby's hound-dog face still burning in his brain. Elliot just wanted to bury it, let it be another miserable fear his mind dredged up while he was trying to sleep tonight.
"What the hell happened with Toby?" She was. Fucking hell.
"Stay out of my personal life, Liv." Elliot stormed towards the corner.
"Just as soon as you get your personal life out of our job!"
He swung back. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Remember that part where we're supposed to back the victims? You all but called Lambros a liar this morning."
"She's changed her story three times since Saturday. I'm getting sick of chasing ghosts."
"She's scared, and it's not going to get better while you're barking at her. You've gone on the attack with every victim we've had since you split with Toby."
"That's bullshit."
"Kwoong, Paulson, Petrovich? Niccoletti almost did a runner when you were through with him."
Cragen had ripped him hard for that. Yeah, Elliot had been digging a little harder lately, but that was the job. You had to know who you were dealing with. "Lambros already admits she lied to her friends. I don't trust her." He didn't doubt she'd been attacked but there was more to the story, a history between her and the accused she wasn't sharing.
"You don't trust anyone, Elliot. You don't trust any of the victims. You don't trust Munch and Finn. You don't trust me anymore." There was hurt in her tone, and he cringed. He didn't have it in him to baby sit her right now. "You were starting to open up. Talk to me about things."
Yeah. At Toby's urging.
In those few seconds he had staring at Toby through the window of the cafe, there'd been no trace of Elliot's fist left on Toby's face, at least as far as Elliot could see from across the street. No sign of horns, or whatever Elliot had expected would make him look different to the man Elliot had been in love with two weeks ago. He'd tried to see him with a cop's eyes, tried to see the con, the killer, the lawyer who got a monster off on a technicality. He'd only seen Toby. The guy who'd murmured happily when Elliot slid in beside him at three am, who'd leaned over him in the morning, smiled and kissed him and urged him back to sleep.
When Toby was watching him sleep, he'd been wishing that Elliot was Chris Keller. Elliot's fingers curled up again.
"What did he do to you, Elliot?"
He took every flaw Elliot disliked about himself and curdled it into hate. He showed Elliot the monster inside him. Elliot could barely look himself in the mirror since Taylor threw that photo in front of him.
He'd forced himself to see a counsellor yesterday. Found one in the phone book, drove thirty minutes west of his house, far from anyone he knew, and tried to talk to a thirty year-old kid with a wall of certificates that told Elliot she'd spent more of her life in school than on the street. He'd stumbled to explain, never got as far as Toby, let alone Chris Keller. He wasn't going back there.
Olivia's phone rang. Thank god. She shot him a dark look, like he'd made it happen. "Benson. ... All right. ... On our way." She hung up. "Nerita Lambros came back. She wants to talk."
And Elliot had to keep his mouth shut and not scare her off again.
They didn't speak in the elevator. Followed Munch's pointed look to the interview room where Nerita Lambros was waiting, huddled miserably on her chair. She'd tied her wild, curly hair into a braid that fell over her shoulder, and she twisted the end in her fingers, eyes glued to Elliot.
He left the nearest chair for Olivia, took the other seat. "Nerita, I owe you an apol-"
"You were right." She sniffed and scrubbed a tissue across her nose. "I didn't tell you everything. I'm sorry."
Olivia sat. "The more you tell us, the better we can help you."
"It's so embarrassing. I'm such an idiot." She looked at Elliot. "He wasn't stalking me. We were... I liked him."
"You were dating," Elliot suggested, gently.
"I don't know if that's what it was. We were hanging out. He was always flirting with me. Guys don't usually... I'm not that girl. Obviously. He was so nice. He made me feel pretty." She shrugged, as though that was something absurd, and Elliot wished he could tell her she was, but that wasn't something for an SVU detective to tell a victim. "The day I saw him in the park it wasn't... I told him I was going to be there. It was my idea. And when he came to my apartment on Friday... I invited him. He was such a good guy. I wanted..."
"You were planning to sleep with him."
She caught her breath, fighting back a sob, nodding hard. "Yes. I mean, no, not yet. It was just coffee, but maybe..." She looked up at Olivia. "I wish he'd just cornered me in a back alley. Then maybe I'd just be afraid of men jumping out at me, you know? Why did he have to make me like him? Why did he have to make me scared of every guy who smiles or holds a door? I don't trust myself. I thought I was so damned good at spotting the creeps."
Elliot dug his fingers into his thigh. "It's not your fault, Nerita. He manipulates people. Anyone could be taken in."
"You're going to tell me you've been taken in, Detective Stabler? You're a cop. You see through people for a living."
Elliot dragged his chair closer. "And I've still been fooled by people I trusted. I've berated myself for letting someone in. Kept myself up at night counting all the clues I was stupid enough to miss. Couldn't look my friends in the eye, in case they saw how eager I'd been to make a friend. What sort of cop am I, that I'd assume the best of someone?"
She looked him over. "You're not going to tell me you were raped."
"I wasn't. But I do understand why you wish it had been a stranger in a dark alley."
Nerita gave a new statement, and this time it rang true. She wouldn't be much of a witness in court after all the revisions, but these were the details they needed.
When she picked up her handbag, ready to go, he touched her shoulder. "It's okay not to trust anyone for a while, Nerita, but don't let him ruin the whole world for you. Most people are good."
"Do you trust people, Detective Stabler?"
"Not many. You don't want to be like me. I'm kind of a prick."
She startled herself with a chuckle, and wiped her eyes. "Nah, you're okay, Detective."
Olivia stood at his back as he watched Nerita go. She waited until the elevator doors closed before she spoke. "Elliot-"
"I was conned." He looked around, made sure no one else as close enough to hear. "He was lying from the start. About all of it."
"All of it?" She was trying to be kind but all he heard was doubt.
"Every word out of his mouth."
"It sounded like he was happy with you."
"Shows what a fool I was, doesn't it?"
She was trying and he was snapping, and that was one of those flaws Elliot couldn't stand. He dragged his tone back to something civil.
"Getting involved with a skel. Who could have guessed that would go wrong?"
"I'm sorry."
Elliot swallowed. "Yeah."
"Do you want to go for a drink tonight?"
Elliot took a long, deep breath, wondered if Olivia knew how much he depended on her. "Yeah."
end chapter 32
Feedback provides all the nutrients a growing squid needs. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
