Time and space to breathe in
Nov. 3rd, 2006 03:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drsquidloveTime and space to breathe in
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
Archived at NoOne Knows.
Summary: The surprise guest at Xander's wedding isn't an old victim of Anyanka's in search of vengeance: it's Giles.
Giles/Xander, Xander/Anya.
Angst.
Rated PG for sexual references.
Dr Squidlove loves all feedback, quick or critical.
Giles and Xander belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy. Joss is God, so he sort of owns everything, anyway.
Thank you to the fabulous Chelle, for the beta.
Time and space to breathe in
by Dr Squidlove
* * * * *
He'd almost told Willow he was coming, thinking someone should know to expect him. He'd gone as far as lifting the receiver back in London, before realising he would only make it this far if he left himself every opportunity to back out. It was easier to pack his bags, to take his seat on the plane, to give the driver this address, knowing there was still time to change his mind. He could get as far as the kerb at the... Sunnydale Bison's Lodge... and still drive on by, find a motel and hole up for the two nights his ticket allowed him. No one would ever know.
The cab driver twisted in his seat to allow Giles full appreciation of his impatient look. "Want me to drive around the block, pal?"
"No." He shook himself. "Thank you. I'll- I'll get out here." He handed over a wad of notes and slid out into the rain. Halfway around the world, and still soaked through.
He suddenly wished he'd gone to the motel to change first, to get out of these stale clothes and dawdle a little longer. He could have slid into a back row, stayed just long enough to pay his respects, and made his excuses - he was good at the last part. He didn't belong here, anymore. He'd left and now he was more an outsider than he had been in their school days.
He didn't recognise any of the wedding guests, human or demonic, going in- No, there was Spike, with... well, she was a step up from Harmony, by the looks of her, if not by far.
Spike, at least, could blend. What preposterous story had they concocted to explain the parade of tentacled, horned and tailed guests to the groom's family? Even by Sunnydale standards, this would take obliviousness to new heights.
"Giles?" It was all the warning he had before he got both arms full of Dawn. "You made it! I didn't think you were coming! Anya said there was something about a magicks conference?"
"I had a last minute escape - what in god's name are you wearing?"
Dawn laughed, spinning to display her hideous green frock at its worst. "Just be glad she didn't go traditional. Come on. Just wait 'til everyone sees you!" She was dragging him by the hand, so bubbly Giles almost forgot his fears. "Anya's gonna be over the moon. Oh my god, Willow - hey, Willow! Look!"
"Giles!" Willow bounded over, looking radiant in a dress that appeared to have been modelled on a trout. She threw her arms around him, and he hugged her back, hard. Willow. In all his fears, he'd forgotten how good it would be to see them, happy and healthy and bursting with excitement. He couldn't remember the last time those three things had come all at once.
"You look beautiful, Willow."
She blushed, and Giles realised he'd never said anything like that to any of the girls, before. It seemed rather shameful. "We didn't think you were coming!"
"I thought I'd keep it a surprise. So Anya wouldn't have the opportunity to choose my costume."
"I wish I'd thought of that," came a familiar voice.
Giles spun around, and suddenly all his awkwardness was back. "Buffy."
She was alive, and it still gave his heart a little flutter to see her whole and healthy. Moreso, with all the memories that had been gnawing at Giles since he pulled the long green ribbon on his invitation.
She glanced briefly at Willow. "Tara's with Anya." She looked at Giles a good while, before she summoned a small smile, and Giles realised she felt just as awkward as he did. He lifted his arms and she stepped forward, and they held each other for a long time. "I've missed you," Buffy muttered into his collar.
His fingers rested on her hair, stiff with hairspray and flowers. Flower. "I missed you too." And he had, though nowhere near as much as he did right now. He felt like he'd been gone for years. The smell of her was like an old childhood memory, vivid and comforting.
They let go, finally, and her eyes were bright, and he knew his own were, as well.
"Where's Xander?" Dawn asked. "He's gonna be so excited that you made it!"
She had no idea.
They were all grinning as they dragged him through the hodgepodge crowd to a back room. None of them knew. He reminded himself that was a good thing, even if it made the back of his throat ache, to realise that a part of him was sinking without a trace.
"Look who we found!" and he was swept through the door and there was Xander, and Giles' throat closed altogether.
God. He looked... Grown up. Handsome. And happy, until he turned, until he saw Giles and the expression froze unnaturally on his face. Giles shouldn't have come.
"I came," Giles said, lamely. He was pleased he'd managed to squeeze anything out at all.
Xander nodded, wide-eyed.
At the same time they both realised all the girls were waiting for something more. Xander produced a half-smile. "Jittery."
"Congratulations." Giles offered his hand, but Xander rolled his eyes and hugged him. Giles' eyes closed and he breathed, tried to just breathe but that drew the scent of Xander into his stomach, and then Giles had the taste of him to add to the solid feel of him, and if hugging Buffy had felt like an old memory, this felt like one that was entirely too raw.
They parted, and Giles looked down at his feet. He had no idea what else there was to say, besides more excuses for his sudden arrival, and Xander would know them for the lies they were.
"Excuse me?" A vengeance demon in a matching green monstrosity - somehow more fitting, for a demon - stuck her head in the door. "I hate to break up this private little gathering, but Anyanka is wondering where her bridal party has got to?" She smiled without an ounce of sincerity.
"Go," Giles urged the girls. "I have a couple of days; we'll have time to catch up."
"Can we tell her you're here?" Dawn begged.
"Of course. I'll talk to her at the reception."
The girls filed out, leaving them alone, and now Giles had no end of things to say, and nowhere to begin.
"I really didn't think you'd come," Xander said, softly.
"I almost... Nothing could have kept me. You look..." He lifted his hands, and trailed off. He didn't have words for how good Xander looked in his tuxedo. "You're getting married."
Xander smiled crookedly, sliding his hands into his trouser pockets. "Who would have guessed, huh? Me, the kid who took rejection as his official school sports requirement."
It wasn't funny, but Giles couldn't help smiling. "I would. She's a fine young ex-demon."
Xander ducked his head, and it was a moment before he'd meet Giles' gaze again. "I'm sorry if, you know..." He shrugged. "I hope this isn't too uncomfortable for you."
"I'm glad to see you happy." In truth, it didn't hurt nearly so much as Giles had feared it would. He couldn't have missed this for the world. Xander looked beautiful, and he was glowing with possibilities, and if Giles' chest was too tight, and his stomach twisted, it only made the moment somehow sweeter.
"Yeah, well, it means a lot that you came. An eleven hour flight to sit with my folks for three hours... I know what a sacrifice that is, and in a few minutes, you will too."
"I suppose it wouldn't do to put an ex-Watcher in amongst the bride's guests."
"No way, mia compadre. You are property of Xander Harris." He kept talking before silence could fall. "How are you doing, anyway?" He leaned entirely-too-casually back against the wall, straightening his button-hole and then folding his arms protectively in front of him. He was going to wrinkle his suit. "How's merry old England?"
Giles bit his tongue to catch the 'Lonely,' that wanted to leap out. It wasn't like he'd ever been that honest with any of them before. Except Xander, just once, and look where that had led. "It's cold."
"Missing the Sunnydale climate? Beautiful one day, fatal the next."
"I'm missing all of you." Giles wished he'd brought his glasses. His fingers were itching for distraction.
"Yeah, well. You shouldn't have gone." There was an edge in his voice, just enough to let Giles know how angry he'd been.
He shook his head. "You know I had to."
Xander glared. "Do you really believe it was the time to be giving Buffy brutal life lessons? Jesus, Giles, she was barely holding it together as it was."
Giles rubbed his forehead. "You well know that was only half the reason."
"Was it?"
Giles levelled a sharp look at him. In the end, it had been a relief to realise that he needed to leave for Buffy's sake, as much as his own. "You know it was."
Xander waited, puzzlement slowly becoming a frown. "Me?" Honestly curious. Did he truly not know? Xander contemplated him, eyes dark and serious, mouth set, but then his resolve broke and he stared at his polished shoes. "I thought... I guess I don't know what I thought."
Giles could see what he thought, and he drew a sharp breath. He couldn't be making confessions today, of all days, but he didn't want Xander left believing Giles had used him. Even if that was partly true.
Xander looked out the window, down at his feet, over Giles' shoulder. "I'm sorry I kissed you, that night."
"I'm not." Let that much, at least, be known. "I know I should be. I should regret my own selfishness, and how deeply I could have hurt Anya, but to be honest, Xander, I'm just... I'm desperately grateful that you were there."
Xander nodded slowly, wide-eyed.
He didn't know what had led Xander to do it, if it was pity or grief or some sort of genuine attraction, and now he supposed he'd never be able to ask. He'd certainly never considered Xander as a potential lover. It had never crossed his mind.
He'd never considered Xander even as a person to confide in until that night. Weeks after Buffy's funeral, he couldn't even remember why Xander came but he found himself rambling about his guilt and grief, every unspoken thought spilling forth, and Xander was stunned silent as Giles came apart, but he hadn't been able to stop.
Not until Xander slid close, slipped an arm around his shoulders and a hand under his chin.
Giles had stuttered to a stop at last, and Xander had kissed him hard, and Giles had fallen completely in desperate, needy love in seconds flat.
They fucked on the floor, that night. Another night against the door. Once they grappled in Xander's car. Only twice, they made it to the bed.
It was unhealthy and it was wrong; he should have felt ashamed but he'd been drowning. Losing Buffy had left him drowning, and it was something to feel needed, and when Xander kissed him Giles had clung on for his very life.
"I honestly didn't know," Xander said, quietly.
"I'm sorry?"
"I didn't know that you left because of me." He truly looked stunned. "After she came back, when you came back, I thought you'd moved on."
"I left because I needed to stand on my own feet as much as Buffy did."
"What about the first time?" he asked softly. "Why did you go then?"
Because he'd realised that Buffy was gone, and all he had in Sunnydale was stolen nights with someone else's lover. Because he was the adult, and it was up to him to make the sensible, responsible choice.
He severed his ties like he ought, forced himself on a plane and walked away, but he hadn't even unpacked his bags when they called him back. Only now Buffy was alive, and whatever quiet, desperate thing he'd had with Xander was over.
Xander heaved a sigh when no answer was forthcoming. "This seems like a conversation we should have had months ago."
"I suppose it does."
But talking had never been part of it, not since the one painful conversation that had led to the kiss that had led to everything else. Words cut and burned and made him naked. The press of bare skin, the long hard kisses warmed and soothed, and every time Xander's cock filled Giles it filled a tiny corner of what Buffy had left empty.
Her return was a joy, but it never filled the space Xander had left, any more than Xander had filled hers. And that was the last thing Giles was going to tell Xander minutes before he married the woman he deserved.
Xander was watching him, his gaze unreadable and discomfiting, waiting for more perhaps but now Giles didn't know what was left to say. He'd found the time and distance he'd needed to let go, and after that there was never anything to say.
There was a knock at the door and Buffy slipped in, pressing it closed and leaning back against it. Alive and - at last - happy. Giles had wallowed in a good deal of self-pity the last few months, but he never failed to hope she was doing better, and she was. There was a new confidence in her: she wasn't there yet, but she was getting there.
"Are the natives getting restless? It must be almost time." Xander checked his watch.
"No blood spilled yet. But one small thing," Buffy said. "Giles, Anya's over the moon. She sent me to ask if you'd give her away."
"Give her away?"
"Wedding tradition. Traditionally filled by a father figure."
"I know what... that's..."
His momentary pleasure was swept away by guilt. He adored Anya, and the way he'd treated her was abominable. "I'd be honoured," he replied softly, sharing a look with Xander. And then Giles looked down, and grimaced. "I'm afraid I'm barely dressed appropriately to be a guest, let alone one of the party."
"I'll trade," offered Buffy, swishing the tail of her dress.
"Such a shame we're not of a size."
"Buffy, I'll send him up in a moment, okay?"
"Okay." Buffy grinned. "I'll just go see if there are any fights to break up. Grab me when you're ready to see Anya."
As soon as she left, Giles and Xander smiled nervously at each other. "This seems fitting," Giles said.
Xander nodded, smoothing his suit, looking for a moment more like a page boy than a groom. "Giles?"
"Yes?"
The hands settling on Giles' shoulders were firm as Xander kissed him. Not like all the other kisses, not desperate or needy or hungry. This was slow and gentle, and sad, and it felt more like Xander than any of those other times, and more surprising than the kiss was how deeply it hurt.
Xander's hand was on his chest, pushing him back, and Giles swallowed, over and over. "Thank you."
Xander shook his head. "No thanks required." His hand still rested over Giles' heart.
"I'll see you at the end of the aisle." Giles hurried from the room.
* * * * *
"I wasn't going to have anyone give me away because there didn't seem to be anyone right... D'Hoffryn, maybe, but I don't think it would be good for his image, I mean you were the obvious person but you weren't coming, after all, you didn't rsvp, even though we sent those cute little matching ribboned rsvp cards..."
Anya looked breathtaking. Her dress, her hair, her nervous, happy grin. She was bubbling, and Giles had just kissed her groom. Thank god she was talking so much that Giles didn't need to.
It had been a last kiss goodbye, and that was bad but forgivable, except that goodbye kisses weren't supposed to leave you this spun about. Giles wanted to stop the wedding, to hell with everything he'd said or thought about seeing Xander and Anya happy together; he wanted Xander to choose him.
He wanted Xander to be his in a way he never had been.
There'd been nights, just a couple, when Xander had fallen asleep against him. Each time, Giles would prop himself up to watch, to count the steady breaths, brush back a stray curl. In those late hours, he'd been able to believe they had something: that it would survive their grief, outlast Anya, that they might somehow earn a happy ending.
"...could have called Olaf back from the Land of the Trolls but what with the bond Mr Harris paid for the hall..."
Tara smiled at him, amused, and Giles hoped that she'd misinterpret his grimace as something pleasant.
He'd been ready. Entirely ready to let Xander go and wish him well. Damn him.
Now jealousy burned like acid on the back of Giles' tongue. Maybe he could beg off, sick. He couldn't stand at the end of that aisle and bless them. Anya said something about her dress, and both girls giggled. He couldn't do it.
"Giles?" Willow's head was poking through the door.
"Is it time?" Anya exclaimed, with a bounce. Giles' stomach rolled. He couldn't do this.
Willow smiled, but there was something off in her expression. Did she know? Dear Lord, did Xander say something? "Not long now. Can I borrow Giles for a minute?"
Giles' feet turned to lead.
Anya just turned her waterfall of nervous energy on Tara, and Giles lurched out into the hallway, finding a door handle to grip as he plastered on his calmest face. "What is it?"
"He's gone. Xander disappeared!"
Giles opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
"I was with him a few minutes ago, and he was fine, but I went to tell him it's time, and he's not there!"
Buffy came scurrying around the corner. "Did you find him?"
Their voices scrambled together, muffled by the roaring in Giles' ears, until Willow declared, "We'll find him. Giles, you stall-"
"No." He didn't know what was going on, but he wasn't going back in there. "Buffy, you stall. I'll... I'll help Willow search. Willow, you check the Lodge. I'll head out onto the street."
They nodded, trusting, and the three of them headed their separate ways. God knew what he'd say if he found him.
-----
Dr Squidlove embraces feedback with all tentacles at drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
More Squidfic thisaway:
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
Archived at NoOne Knows.
Summary: The surprise guest at Xander's wedding isn't an old victim of Anyanka's in search of vengeance: it's Giles.
Giles/Xander, Xander/Anya.
Angst.
Rated PG for sexual references.
Dr Squidlove loves all feedback, quick or critical.
Giles and Xander belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy. Joss is God, so he sort of owns everything, anyway.
Thank you to the fabulous Chelle, for the beta.
Time and space to breathe in
by Dr Squidlove
* * * * *
He'd almost told Willow he was coming, thinking someone should know to expect him. He'd gone as far as lifting the receiver back in London, before realising he would only make it this far if he left himself every opportunity to back out. It was easier to pack his bags, to take his seat on the plane, to give the driver this address, knowing there was still time to change his mind. He could get as far as the kerb at the... Sunnydale Bison's Lodge... and still drive on by, find a motel and hole up for the two nights his ticket allowed him. No one would ever know.
The cab driver twisted in his seat to allow Giles full appreciation of his impatient look. "Want me to drive around the block, pal?"
"No." He shook himself. "Thank you. I'll- I'll get out here." He handed over a wad of notes and slid out into the rain. Halfway around the world, and still soaked through.
He suddenly wished he'd gone to the motel to change first, to get out of these stale clothes and dawdle a little longer. He could have slid into a back row, stayed just long enough to pay his respects, and made his excuses - he was good at the last part. He didn't belong here, anymore. He'd left and now he was more an outsider than he had been in their school days.
He didn't recognise any of the wedding guests, human or demonic, going in- No, there was Spike, with... well, she was a step up from Harmony, by the looks of her, if not by far.
Spike, at least, could blend. What preposterous story had they concocted to explain the parade of tentacled, horned and tailed guests to the groom's family? Even by Sunnydale standards, this would take obliviousness to new heights.
"Giles?" It was all the warning he had before he got both arms full of Dawn. "You made it! I didn't think you were coming! Anya said there was something about a magicks conference?"
"I had a last minute escape - what in god's name are you wearing?"
Dawn laughed, spinning to display her hideous green frock at its worst. "Just be glad she didn't go traditional. Come on. Just wait 'til everyone sees you!" She was dragging him by the hand, so bubbly Giles almost forgot his fears. "Anya's gonna be over the moon. Oh my god, Willow - hey, Willow! Look!"
"Giles!" Willow bounded over, looking radiant in a dress that appeared to have been modelled on a trout. She threw her arms around him, and he hugged her back, hard. Willow. In all his fears, he'd forgotten how good it would be to see them, happy and healthy and bursting with excitement. He couldn't remember the last time those three things had come all at once.
"You look beautiful, Willow."
She blushed, and Giles realised he'd never said anything like that to any of the girls, before. It seemed rather shameful. "We didn't think you were coming!"
"I thought I'd keep it a surprise. So Anya wouldn't have the opportunity to choose my costume."
"I wish I'd thought of that," came a familiar voice.
Giles spun around, and suddenly all his awkwardness was back. "Buffy."
She was alive, and it still gave his heart a little flutter to see her whole and healthy. Moreso, with all the memories that had been gnawing at Giles since he pulled the long green ribbon on his invitation.
She glanced briefly at Willow. "Tara's with Anya." She looked at Giles a good while, before she summoned a small smile, and Giles realised she felt just as awkward as he did. He lifted his arms and she stepped forward, and they held each other for a long time. "I've missed you," Buffy muttered into his collar.
His fingers rested on her hair, stiff with hairspray and flowers. Flower. "I missed you too." And he had, though nowhere near as much as he did right now. He felt like he'd been gone for years. The smell of her was like an old childhood memory, vivid and comforting.
They let go, finally, and her eyes were bright, and he knew his own were, as well.
"Where's Xander?" Dawn asked. "He's gonna be so excited that you made it!"
She had no idea.
They were all grinning as they dragged him through the hodgepodge crowd to a back room. None of them knew. He reminded himself that was a good thing, even if it made the back of his throat ache, to realise that a part of him was sinking without a trace.
"Look who we found!" and he was swept through the door and there was Xander, and Giles' throat closed altogether.
God. He looked... Grown up. Handsome. And happy, until he turned, until he saw Giles and the expression froze unnaturally on his face. Giles shouldn't have come.
"I came," Giles said, lamely. He was pleased he'd managed to squeeze anything out at all.
Xander nodded, wide-eyed.
At the same time they both realised all the girls were waiting for something more. Xander produced a half-smile. "Jittery."
"Congratulations." Giles offered his hand, but Xander rolled his eyes and hugged him. Giles' eyes closed and he breathed, tried to just breathe but that drew the scent of Xander into his stomach, and then Giles had the taste of him to add to the solid feel of him, and if hugging Buffy had felt like an old memory, this felt like one that was entirely too raw.
They parted, and Giles looked down at his feet. He had no idea what else there was to say, besides more excuses for his sudden arrival, and Xander would know them for the lies they were.
"Excuse me?" A vengeance demon in a matching green monstrosity - somehow more fitting, for a demon - stuck her head in the door. "I hate to break up this private little gathering, but Anyanka is wondering where her bridal party has got to?" She smiled without an ounce of sincerity.
"Go," Giles urged the girls. "I have a couple of days; we'll have time to catch up."
"Can we tell her you're here?" Dawn begged.
"Of course. I'll talk to her at the reception."
The girls filed out, leaving them alone, and now Giles had no end of things to say, and nowhere to begin.
"I really didn't think you'd come," Xander said, softly.
"I almost... Nothing could have kept me. You look..." He lifted his hands, and trailed off. He didn't have words for how good Xander looked in his tuxedo. "You're getting married."
Xander smiled crookedly, sliding his hands into his trouser pockets. "Who would have guessed, huh? Me, the kid who took rejection as his official school sports requirement."
It wasn't funny, but Giles couldn't help smiling. "I would. She's a fine young ex-demon."
Xander ducked his head, and it was a moment before he'd meet Giles' gaze again. "I'm sorry if, you know..." He shrugged. "I hope this isn't too uncomfortable for you."
"I'm glad to see you happy." In truth, it didn't hurt nearly so much as Giles had feared it would. He couldn't have missed this for the world. Xander looked beautiful, and he was glowing with possibilities, and if Giles' chest was too tight, and his stomach twisted, it only made the moment somehow sweeter.
"Yeah, well, it means a lot that you came. An eleven hour flight to sit with my folks for three hours... I know what a sacrifice that is, and in a few minutes, you will too."
"I suppose it wouldn't do to put an ex-Watcher in amongst the bride's guests."
"No way, mia compadre. You are property of Xander Harris." He kept talking before silence could fall. "How are you doing, anyway?" He leaned entirely-too-casually back against the wall, straightening his button-hole and then folding his arms protectively in front of him. He was going to wrinkle his suit. "How's merry old England?"
Giles bit his tongue to catch the 'Lonely,' that wanted to leap out. It wasn't like he'd ever been that honest with any of them before. Except Xander, just once, and look where that had led. "It's cold."
"Missing the Sunnydale climate? Beautiful one day, fatal the next."
"I'm missing all of you." Giles wished he'd brought his glasses. His fingers were itching for distraction.
"Yeah, well. You shouldn't have gone." There was an edge in his voice, just enough to let Giles know how angry he'd been.
He shook his head. "You know I had to."
Xander glared. "Do you really believe it was the time to be giving Buffy brutal life lessons? Jesus, Giles, she was barely holding it together as it was."
Giles rubbed his forehead. "You well know that was only half the reason."
"Was it?"
Giles levelled a sharp look at him. In the end, it had been a relief to realise that he needed to leave for Buffy's sake, as much as his own. "You know it was."
Xander waited, puzzlement slowly becoming a frown. "Me?" Honestly curious. Did he truly not know? Xander contemplated him, eyes dark and serious, mouth set, but then his resolve broke and he stared at his polished shoes. "I thought... I guess I don't know what I thought."
Giles could see what he thought, and he drew a sharp breath. He couldn't be making confessions today, of all days, but he didn't want Xander left believing Giles had used him. Even if that was partly true.
Xander looked out the window, down at his feet, over Giles' shoulder. "I'm sorry I kissed you, that night."
"I'm not." Let that much, at least, be known. "I know I should be. I should regret my own selfishness, and how deeply I could have hurt Anya, but to be honest, Xander, I'm just... I'm desperately grateful that you were there."
Xander nodded slowly, wide-eyed.
He didn't know what had led Xander to do it, if it was pity or grief or some sort of genuine attraction, and now he supposed he'd never be able to ask. He'd certainly never considered Xander as a potential lover. It had never crossed his mind.
He'd never considered Xander even as a person to confide in until that night. Weeks after Buffy's funeral, he couldn't even remember why Xander came but he found himself rambling about his guilt and grief, every unspoken thought spilling forth, and Xander was stunned silent as Giles came apart, but he hadn't been able to stop.
Not until Xander slid close, slipped an arm around his shoulders and a hand under his chin.
Giles had stuttered to a stop at last, and Xander had kissed him hard, and Giles had fallen completely in desperate, needy love in seconds flat.
They fucked on the floor, that night. Another night against the door. Once they grappled in Xander's car. Only twice, they made it to the bed.
It was unhealthy and it was wrong; he should have felt ashamed but he'd been drowning. Losing Buffy had left him drowning, and it was something to feel needed, and when Xander kissed him Giles had clung on for his very life.
"I honestly didn't know," Xander said, quietly.
"I'm sorry?"
"I didn't know that you left because of me." He truly looked stunned. "After she came back, when you came back, I thought you'd moved on."
"I left because I needed to stand on my own feet as much as Buffy did."
"What about the first time?" he asked softly. "Why did you go then?"
Because he'd realised that Buffy was gone, and all he had in Sunnydale was stolen nights with someone else's lover. Because he was the adult, and it was up to him to make the sensible, responsible choice.
He severed his ties like he ought, forced himself on a plane and walked away, but he hadn't even unpacked his bags when they called him back. Only now Buffy was alive, and whatever quiet, desperate thing he'd had with Xander was over.
Xander heaved a sigh when no answer was forthcoming. "This seems like a conversation we should have had months ago."
"I suppose it does."
But talking had never been part of it, not since the one painful conversation that had led to the kiss that had led to everything else. Words cut and burned and made him naked. The press of bare skin, the long hard kisses warmed and soothed, and every time Xander's cock filled Giles it filled a tiny corner of what Buffy had left empty.
Her return was a joy, but it never filled the space Xander had left, any more than Xander had filled hers. And that was the last thing Giles was going to tell Xander minutes before he married the woman he deserved.
Xander was watching him, his gaze unreadable and discomfiting, waiting for more perhaps but now Giles didn't know what was left to say. He'd found the time and distance he'd needed to let go, and after that there was never anything to say.
There was a knock at the door and Buffy slipped in, pressing it closed and leaning back against it. Alive and - at last - happy. Giles had wallowed in a good deal of self-pity the last few months, but he never failed to hope she was doing better, and she was. There was a new confidence in her: she wasn't there yet, but she was getting there.
"Are the natives getting restless? It must be almost time." Xander checked his watch.
"No blood spilled yet. But one small thing," Buffy said. "Giles, Anya's over the moon. She sent me to ask if you'd give her away."
"Give her away?"
"Wedding tradition. Traditionally filled by a father figure."
"I know what... that's..."
His momentary pleasure was swept away by guilt. He adored Anya, and the way he'd treated her was abominable. "I'd be honoured," he replied softly, sharing a look with Xander. And then Giles looked down, and grimaced. "I'm afraid I'm barely dressed appropriately to be a guest, let alone one of the party."
"I'll trade," offered Buffy, swishing the tail of her dress.
"Such a shame we're not of a size."
"Buffy, I'll send him up in a moment, okay?"
"Okay." Buffy grinned. "I'll just go see if there are any fights to break up. Grab me when you're ready to see Anya."
As soon as she left, Giles and Xander smiled nervously at each other. "This seems fitting," Giles said.
Xander nodded, smoothing his suit, looking for a moment more like a page boy than a groom. "Giles?"
"Yes?"
The hands settling on Giles' shoulders were firm as Xander kissed him. Not like all the other kisses, not desperate or needy or hungry. This was slow and gentle, and sad, and it felt more like Xander than any of those other times, and more surprising than the kiss was how deeply it hurt.
Xander's hand was on his chest, pushing him back, and Giles swallowed, over and over. "Thank you."
Xander shook his head. "No thanks required." His hand still rested over Giles' heart.
"I'll see you at the end of the aisle." Giles hurried from the room.
* * * * *
"I wasn't going to have anyone give me away because there didn't seem to be anyone right... D'Hoffryn, maybe, but I don't think it would be good for his image, I mean you were the obvious person but you weren't coming, after all, you didn't rsvp, even though we sent those cute little matching ribboned rsvp cards..."
Anya looked breathtaking. Her dress, her hair, her nervous, happy grin. She was bubbling, and Giles had just kissed her groom. Thank god she was talking so much that Giles didn't need to.
It had been a last kiss goodbye, and that was bad but forgivable, except that goodbye kisses weren't supposed to leave you this spun about. Giles wanted to stop the wedding, to hell with everything he'd said or thought about seeing Xander and Anya happy together; he wanted Xander to choose him.
He wanted Xander to be his in a way he never had been.
There'd been nights, just a couple, when Xander had fallen asleep against him. Each time, Giles would prop himself up to watch, to count the steady breaths, brush back a stray curl. In those late hours, he'd been able to believe they had something: that it would survive their grief, outlast Anya, that they might somehow earn a happy ending.
"...could have called Olaf back from the Land of the Trolls but what with the bond Mr Harris paid for the hall..."
Tara smiled at him, amused, and Giles hoped that she'd misinterpret his grimace as something pleasant.
He'd been ready. Entirely ready to let Xander go and wish him well. Damn him.
Now jealousy burned like acid on the back of Giles' tongue. Maybe he could beg off, sick. He couldn't stand at the end of that aisle and bless them. Anya said something about her dress, and both girls giggled. He couldn't do it.
"Giles?" Willow's head was poking through the door.
"Is it time?" Anya exclaimed, with a bounce. Giles' stomach rolled. He couldn't do this.
Willow smiled, but there was something off in her expression. Did she know? Dear Lord, did Xander say something? "Not long now. Can I borrow Giles for a minute?"
Giles' feet turned to lead.
Anya just turned her waterfall of nervous energy on Tara, and Giles lurched out into the hallway, finding a door handle to grip as he plastered on his calmest face. "What is it?"
"He's gone. Xander disappeared!"
Giles opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
"I was with him a few minutes ago, and he was fine, but I went to tell him it's time, and he's not there!"
Buffy came scurrying around the corner. "Did you find him?"
Their voices scrambled together, muffled by the roaring in Giles' ears, until Willow declared, "We'll find him. Giles, you stall-"
"No." He didn't know what was going on, but he wasn't going back in there. "Buffy, you stall. I'll... I'll help Willow search. Willow, you check the Lodge. I'll head out onto the street."
They nodded, trusting, and the three of them headed their separate ways. God knew what he'd say if he found him.
-----
Dr Squidlove embraces feedback with all tentacles at drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
More Squidfic thisaway:
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-02 06:04 pm (UTC)However, right now, I'm just sort of sniffling and flailing, and re-reading isn't helping me get any more coherent about it, so I'll just say that I liked this very much.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 04:26 am (UTC)Wheee. Thank you!
There's something immensely satisfying about making Xander miserable.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-02 07:51 pm (UTC)And *of course* it's going on No One Knows. *g*
no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 04:29 am (UTC)It's twisted, but I love stories in which the characters cheat. It's wrong, but rarely so simple as that, and it's always full of tangled emotional issues that can never be resolved easily or happily.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-03 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 04:30 am (UTC)Thanks quoshara!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-03 01:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 04:32 am (UTC)All that British reserve makes Giles' inner angst so much sweeter. I enjoy the idea of him in utter panic, while looking perfectly normal to Anya and Tara.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-21 12:47 am (UTC)And hey - I just noted the rec on
8^-
no subject
Date: 2006-11-21 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-03 03:30 am (UTC)Hob
no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 04:39 am (UTC)Thanks for reading anyway!
I don't particularly see Giles/Xander onscreen, but when people put them together they're so interesting. The ways they're alike, the ways they're different, make them such a fun pairing. That's what makes this pair my favourite, above more obvious ones.
Oh, my.
Date: 2006-11-03 01:25 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, my.
Date: 2006-11-04 04:57 am (UTC)I love Giles' innards. There's so much going on under all that reserve, and no one can see it.
Mmmm, soaking wet angstorama confrontation in the rain... That'd be pretty.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 12:38 am (UTC)His momentary pleasure was swept away by guilt. He adored Anya, and the way he'd treated her was abominable. "I'd be honoured," he replied softly, sharing a look with Xander.
What a moment. The angst was delicious. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 04:50 pm (UTC)And ah, I do so love romantic entanglements that are tangled.
Thanks, kimberlite!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 07:17 am (UTC)I assumed I had just lost the ending.
Then when I next logged in, I found I hadn't; and that you really had just stopped it there.
I hate you.
Okay, it might be justified in a canonical context - but that does a shitload of good for those of us who haven't seen the canon. So I still hate you.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 08:10 am (UTC)For your education, in the canon, an old guy pulls Xander aside pre-wedding and says he's Future!Xander, and shows him visions of a miserable, bitter married life, ending in a violent and possibly fatal fight. And that makes Xander scoot. Turns out the old guy was lying, that he was an old victim from Anya's demon days, out for revenge, but Xander has realised he isn't ready, that he's afraid he'll be an alcoholic, bitter bastard like his father, and ruin Anya's life. So he calls it off.
But I don't know why you're whining. Did you fall on your head before you read this and think I would give you a resolution? You know quite well that if I were to add a scene where Giles finds Xander, Xander would be in no position to resolve anything, or fix anything, or deal with anything. He'd be angry at himself, and Giles, and he wouldn't admit to his returned feelings while Anya's still waiting for him, and he'd send Giles home to England in exactly this same emotional state. Didn't seem worth adding.
Maybe they'd get it together in a year, or so.
Maybe.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-20 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-21 12:38 am (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 06:59 am (UTC)I was pleased with this one. I love my boys miserable. :-)