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drsquidloveSomeone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 4241
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 6: Rage
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 5, Sleepover:
Toby was grateful when Elliot invited him out to dinner. Not only was it a chance to stare at Elliot, but it was also a welcome distraction while Holly was at a sleepover. Toby owned up to being an alcoholic, which didn't ruin everything, and told Elliot about his dead son, Gary. Afterwards, Elliot called Maureen, and Toby called Harry. Elliot didn't appreciate the squad's curiosity about his personal life, as time with Toby became a regular habit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Ringing hammered its way into Toby's sleep, and he floundered around for the phone on the stand. It took three tries to answer it. "Hello?"
"How did you deal with it, Toby?"
Toby sat upright. It was Chris. He couldn't speak. How could Chris be calling in the middle of the night?
"Must've had so much rage burning you up; you can't tell me you didn't want to kill everyone."
Chris was dead. A stone swelled in Toby's chest. It couldn't be Chris, calling up old sins in the dead of night. He was dead. He left Toby behind.
"Toby?"
"Who is this?"
"It's Elliot."
It took a few seconds for that name to even make sense. It was Elliot Stabler. It was almost as absurd.
"Toby, how did you deal with the rage?"
Desperation, agony in that voice, and Toby saw him curled on the floor of their cell, smoking and rocking, all his defences razed by the terror of hellfire.
"What did you do, Toby?"
What did he do with his rage? "I swore revenge on the man who fucked me."
A moment later, Elliot asked, "And?"
Toby dug his fingers into the pillow. "It got my son killed."
The harsh exhalation was clear down the tinny phone line.
Toby screwed his eyes shut and opened them again, tried to focus. "Listen, Elliot, do you want to meet somewhere?"
"No, I just-"
"Yes, you do. That's why you called me." He could feel Elliot shaking his head at the other end of the line, forming excuses as Toby swung his feet out from under the warm covers. "I'm getting dressed. Tell me where we can meet."
"You can't leave Holly-"
"Holly's at my mother's tonight. Are you at home or at work?"
"I'm at work. Outside work. Sitting in my car."
Jeans and a shirt out of the drawer. "I'll meet you at the cafe on 14th where we went last week. Get a taxi."
"I'm in the car."
"Would you let Maureen drive in the state you're in?" Toby waited, and took the silence as a no. "Then don't let her father drive in this state." It was the best badgering method Sister Pete had used on Toby, and he stole it shamelessly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Toby hurried out of the taxi and across the sidewalk, barely noticing the cold. There'd been construction on the bridge and it had taken him almost an hour to get here. He pushed through the door and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Elliot slumped in a booth, looking a little drunk and a little like a train wreck, but at least he was here. His hands were clenched in fists on the table, his knuckles scraped and swollen. No tie, shirt unbuttoned, looking way too casual to be Elliot Stabler. Not casual enough to be Chris.
Toby slid in opposite. "What happened?"
Elliot shook his head at the table, jaw flexing. There was a fresh bruise under his left eye.
"What happened?"
"Shouldn't have called you." He played with his water glass, probably wishing it was something else. His shoulders were bunched, mouth pinched, everything locked but his fingers on the glass.
"Clearly bottling it all up isn't helping, so how about you try something else? Try talking."
"You don't know. You don't know the things I..." He suddenly dumped the glass and rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes.
Toby almost laughed. "You think you're going to turn my hair white? I shared laundry detergent with a guy who ate his mother."
The waitress stared, mouth open on her aborted greeting.
Like nothing was off, Toby said, "I'll have a strawberry milkshake. Elliot?"
"A milkshake?" echoed Elliot, looking up at Toby for the first time since he arrived.
"You strike me as a vanilla guy."
He opened his mouth, closed it, and then asked the waitress, "You got caramel?"
When she was gone, Toby put his elbows on the table. "Did you kill someone?"
"No-"
"Then you're already up on me." Six or maybe a dozen-up, depending on how far Toby carried the responsibility for Chris and Vern's actions, but they weren't here to quibble about numbers. He took hold of Elliot's wrists, felt the bunch of muscles that had been locked for god knew how long. "You called me, Elliot. So fucking talk."
"I beat a guy today." He straightened his fingers, and clenched them again, and fresh blood welled. Toby felt the shift of tendons under his hands. "Somebody dragged me off, I don't even know who. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop." Elliot's eyes were trained on the table the whole time, voice cool.
"Why'd you beat him?"
"You don't want to hear the things that scumbag did to his daughter."
"No, I definitely don't. But you're not still shaking hours later because you're sad you hurt his feelings."
"I wanted to kill him."
"Why was this guy different?"
"I told you-"
"There must have been something. If you beat the hell out of suspects every day, you wouldn't have a badge."
Elliot worked his tongue around his mouth, prodding his bruised face from the inside.
Toby wondered if it would have pushed Elliot over the edge to know Toby was hard right now. Toby's grip on his arms wasn't for Elliot's benefit anymore; this was the closest he'd felt to Chris since that first sighting. "You don't have to worry about me jamming you up. A convicted felon's hearsay."
Elliot's face twisted; apparently that hadn't been what was keeping him silent. "What happened with your son?"
"Oh, so you woke me at one am and you won't talk about your issues, but you'll tear my life open as a distraction?"
Elliot showed a flash of guilt, but he didn't apologise.
Toby didn't speak either. He'd had this same battle with Chris enough times; he could wait.
"Kathy and I had a fight last night."
"About?"
Elliot brought his hands up to rub his face, and Toby missed the contact. "Everything. My hours, money, the kids. My temper. Everything we used to fight about. I thought divorce was supposed to put an end to that." He grimaced. "She says I'm not involved in their lives, but she's the one who booted me out of their house."
Toby waited.
"I'm trying. But you spend all day staring through kiddie porn, cosying up to rapists, and there aren't enough showers to make you clean enough to hug your kids."
"I understand."
Elliot's eyes blazed like he was about to dare Toby to try, and then he nodded. "Maybe you do."
The waitress brought their shakes, and scurried away.
Elliot sucked in a breath. "Kathy and I were arguing, and I caught Lizzie watching at the bottom of the stairs, and I took a step towards her, was just going to tell her to go upstairs, and she flinched." His eyes met Toby's. "My daughter flinched." He looked like he wanted to throw up.
"Angry men are scary. Even fathers." Toby remembered how it used to distress him to see his own father on a tear about something, and he'd never known a gentler man. Thank god Holly had never seen his own rage unleashed.
Elliot glared at him. "I'd never raise a hand to my kids."
"I know."
"I would die for them."
"It's tempting, isn't it?"
Elliot froze. "What?"
Toby leaned close. He wanted to hold Elliot's wrists again, see if he could still feel Chris coiled inside. "In the dark moments it's an appealing thought. It's the greatest act of love a father can commit, and then you're done. Game over. You've proved your love, father of the year, and you don't even have to do any of the hard stuff, like teach them right from wrong or look them in the eye and deal with all the pain you've caused them along the way."
Elliot stayed perfectly still. Yeah, he knew what Toby was talking about. "We talking about me or you, now?"
"I tried."
"Tried what?"
"I tried to die for them."
His eyes widened. "What happened?"
"Someone saved me. Every day I whisper a little prayer of thanks that I get to teach Holly right from wrong, and look her in the eye and face what I've done to her. And I can promise you Elliot, I've caused her more pain than all of your kids will see together in all their lives."
Elliot squeezed his hand, and Toby's stomach lurched.
Compassion, understanding, just a dash of tough love. That was how Toby seduced Andrew Schillinger into turning to him for comfort, just like Chris taught him. And here he was, playing the same game with Elliot Stabler. Seeing that same naive trust in Elliot's eyes. Toby shouldn't have been able to beg his trust the way he'd once begged Andrew's. Toby pulled his hand away. "Is there going to be fallout from that?" He nodded towards Elliot's hands.
Poor fucking Andrew. It had been so easy, Toby was embarrassed for him. Embarrassed for himself all over again at how easily he'd fallen for Chris's manipulations.
"I got ripped by the Captain. Defence is threatening excessive force, but he threw the first punch. It won't stick."
Not with the way cops backed each other. The con and the lawyer in Toby were disgusted. The friend and the father in him were relieved. Two against two. "You might not be so lucky, next time."
"I know."
Toby didn't mean to manipulate Elliot, but he'd somehow earned Elliot's trust and he didn't know if what he was doing was any different to how he played Andrew. But what else could he do? Leave Elliot to self-destruct? "Your temper's not going to go away on its own."
"I just need to get it under control."
"You don't get rage under control, Elliot. It controls you. That's what rage is." He leaned in, for the dig. "What if Lizzie saw you like were today?"
"What?"
"You think you'd never lose it in front of her? You don't know, Elliot."
Elliot's strong hand closed around Toby's wrist. "How'd you do it?"
Toby swallowed, twice. That perfect, familiar grip. "I think of Holly and I remind myself she's the one who suffered for my weakness, every time." She paid the price for every bout of temper, and she'd pay for it if Toby used Elliot to reinvent Chris.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Are you still writing that report, Elliot? I told you I want it on my desk by-"
"By the end of day. It'll be there, Captain."
"I don't mean by-"
"By five-thirty. It's almost done." Friendly tone, all due respect, and Elliot kept his head down until Cragen was gone. He was done with today. He was ready to be done with this whole week, with date rape drugs on college campuses, with the way Cragen had been riding his ass since Elliot laid into Gleason last week.
He'd been practising reining his temper, and today he had about fifteen minutes of this place left in him.
Elliot checked his watch again, and then wondered for the thousandth time why he checked his watch while he was staring at a computer screen with a clock in the corner. Fifteen minutes, he could get this paperwork wrapped up and be out of here, maybe beat Toby to dinner for once.
Olivia put the phone down. "That's a new one."
Elliot checked the time on the screen. "Tell me it's not a new case."
"A date actually cancelled on me for once. Now I understand why they find it so annoying."
"Karma's a bitch."
She leaned forward on her desk. "Do you want to catch a drink?"
Elliot parsed his last paragraph, swapped a couple of words. "Nah, I've got plans."
"The kids?"
"Not tonight."
"Date?" She was paying attention now, curious.
Elliot concentrated on his typing. Come hell or high water, he was getting out of here at five-thirty, leaving all this behind and relaxing with Toby. "Just a friend." He'd talked to Toby on the phone a couple of times but he hadn't seen him in since the night Toby talked him down.
"You're being mysterious."
Elliot looked up. "Am I?" He didn't mean to be. He didn't really feel like explaining, either, but he was boxed in. That's what he got for hanging out with a detective. "No, it's... You remember Tobias Beecher? He was a witness in the Markstrom case last year."
Olivia only took a moment to place him. "The gay ex-con who liked rough sex in bathrooms when his daughter was out of the way?"
Elliot gritted his teeth. That wasn't how he wanted to hear Toby described. "Yeah. We bumped into each other after the trial. We got to being friends."
She gave him that wide-eyed look, and Elliot shifted in his chair. "You struck up a friendship with a witness?" Like that was the strangest part of everything she just reeled off.
"After the case was done. Toby was never a suspect. We didn't even use him at trial."
She put up her hands. "I wasn't accusing you of anything. He just didn't exactly seem like the type you'd be buddies with."
"He's a good guy." He was the sort of guy Elliot could call in the middle of the night, when his temper got the better of him.
Olivia didn't answer, and Elliot sat back, waiting for it. Was she going to tell him they shouldn't be friends because he was an ex-con, or because he was gay?
"Beecher was fixated on you."
"Nah."
"Yes, he was. We talked about it at the time. He didn't take his eyes off you the entire interview."
That tugged at Elliot's memory, but it was so long ago, and they hadn't known each other back then. "He's not fixated now. We're friends. We have entire conversations that don't end with typing reports or threatening someone's curfew. He's a single father. He gets it."
Liv raised her hands with a smile. "Never let it be said I got between you and one of the half-dozen people on this earth who can stand your company."
Elliot went back to his keyboard. "Since you're free tonight, if anyone comes through that door, you're catching it."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot had just reached the door of the pizza place when Toby came around the corner and made a show of clutching his heart to see Elliot had beaten him there. "Did the captain give you an early mark?"
Elliot smiled. "Apparently there are all sorts of advantages to good behaviour. Nobody told me."
Toby put a hand on his back as they went in and Elliot caught his breath, but just as quickly the hand was gone. Had Toby been fixated on him back in November? He'd been ignoring Olivia, Elliot remembered noticing that.
Toby waved off the menu and suggested a pizza with the lot. It suited Elliot fine. A special privilege of dining out with another man: not having to divide up the pie like conquered territory after a war. No mushrooms for Maureen, no olives for Elizabeth, extra pepperoni for Dickie. Elliot said so, and Toby shrugged. "These days I'll eat anything but chicken nuggets."
Most of the time, Elliot forgot Toby was gay. Or bisexual, or had sex with guys, or whatever label Toby would have put on it. Toby didn't give off the gay vibe, didn't talk about men or play to the stereotypes. When they talked about relationships, he only ever mentioned his dead wife, Genevieve. Elliot wondered if he felt different from when he was married. It was probably too hard to tell, piled in with everything else that had changed in his life.
Elliot hadn't been self-conscious about Toby before. Now Olivia had him obsessing over whether he was somehow leading Toby on. Elliot had invited Toby out after the trial, but he'd explained why, and Toby seemed to accept it. Toby couldn't think he was gay, could he? Elliot had been married. He'd had kids. So had Toby. But Elliot was way, way over the end of the chart heterosexual. Nobody had ever had reason to think anything else.
"Elliot?"
He blinked. "Sorry?"
Toby let out a soft laugh. "Don't worry about it. Even I find real estate boring."
"Listen, I want to ask you something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way." Elliot winced. Never a good opening.
"Okay," Toby said, cautiously.
"Do you find me attractive?" Toby's eyes widened, and Elliot put out his hands. "I don't want you to. I mean, I don't care if you do or you don't." He sounded like a moron. "I'm just asking if that's why we're hanging out. Why you're here."
Toby was trying to hide his smile, and doing a piss-poor job of it. "You're afraid I'm hitting on you."
"No. I'm not afraid of... I was just worrying I'd somehow given you the impression I'm, I don't know..."
Toby was smiling openly now at Elliot's inability to say the word, which might have been a good sign. "Blind monks find you attractive. But no, I don't have any nefarious intentions."
Elliot resisted the urge to remind Toby he was straight, like some kind of... repressed straight guy. "You paid a lot of attention to me back when we questioned you in November."
"I'm starting to think you're hitting on me."
"No! No, I'm just-"
"Relax, Elliot. I haven't bad-touched you, have I? We're friends."
"All right."
Toby picked up the cheese shaker, let it occupy his hands. "It bothers you, doesn't it? That I fuck men?"
"Of course not." Elliot stopped himself from wrinkling his nose at the language. 'Gay' would have been descriptive enough. It bothered Elliot that Toby fucked so many men, that he let guys use him that way, but Elliot doubted Toby would appreciate hearing that. It bothered Elliot that Tobias Beecher was a rape victim, a father with a traumatised daughter, and Nikos Perro had described him as a hole for his cock.
Toby just stared at him, not believing a word of it.
"Whatever consenting adults do, that's none of my business."
"'None of my business,' is code for 'It bothers me but I'll keep my mouth shut.'" Toby put down the shaker and twisted to check if the food was coming, obviously hoping the subject was going to be changed.
Elliot felt like a jerk. "I didn't mean it like that." There was only one way to get Toby back. Elliot hated honesty, but he wasn't such an asshole that he wouldn't do it when he had to. "A couple of years back, it would have got to me. I would have told you it didn't, but it would have been bullshit." Toby was paying attention, at least. "But then we had this case... I think I told you about the homophobic psychiatrist with the gay son?"
"Yeah."
"Anyway, it doesn't matter, but Casey - our ADA - was still new to SVU. She asked me if any of my kids were gay, and I almost choked. She threw it out there like she was asking if they liked baseball, and then I'll bet five minutes later she forgot all about it." He shook his head, remembering. "Not me. I chewed on that for days. Christ - weeks. Realised if any of them had come out to me, that would've been the reaction they got: paralysis. And y'know, I don't think any of them are gay but if they are, I want to be the kind of father who'd hear it and just say, 'Okay,' and not even blink." He wanted to handle it better than Finn did when he found out about his son last year.
"Are you that kind of father now?"
He wouldn't like it, but the idea didn't make him choke. Was that enough? "I think so. I played the 'What if?' game in my head until it just didn't matter anymore. I want my kids to be happy. Why should it matter who they love, as long as someone loves them back?"
"Even if they date lawyers?"
Elliot smiled. "Even if. If they can find one with a soul. You should do what makes you happy, Toby. And fuck me or anyone who has a problem with it."
Elliot expected a chuckle or a retort, but Toby just looked sad, all of a sudden.
"What?"
"You just reminded me of someone."
"Here we go, guys, one family size with the lot. Will you be needing anything else? Refills on those sodas?"
"Sure. Refills would be great, thanks."
Elliot wanted to ask who it was, but the moment was broken and maybe it was best to leave it that way. Not every conversation had to dredge through the misery of Toby's life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The door opened and Dee flinched, squeezing Elliot's hand tighter. Her unbandaged eye was round and dark with fear.
"It's okay, Dee. It's Olivia. Do you remember her?"
She turned her head twice to say no, black plaits dragging against the pillow.
Elliot wasn't surprised. She'd been well out of it when they came in. "She's a friend of mine, a detective like me."
Olivia gave the gentle smile she saved for kids. "Hi Dee. Whatcha been doing?"
Elliot gestured to the pictures spread across the hospital bed's swinging table. "We've been drawing."
Olivia's eyes played over the papers. She would have talked to Huang outside before she came in, but she could have picked the theme up for herself.
Dee still hadn't spoken. It had been a high point this morning when Elliot got her to swap which hand was holding his so she could feed herself, and then be coaxed into using the pencils Huang brought.
"Dee, I brought someone to see you."
A woman stepped in. "Sweetheart!" and he could hear Dee let out a breath, reaching her free hand. This had to be the aunt Munch had been searching for, the closest relative this little girl had now. She touched Dee's face and then pulled her into a hug, and Elliot stretched his fingers, bereft.
"You okay?" Olivia asked softly.
"I'm going to get a needle for this son of a bitch."
"Lawyer's already got him back on the street."
Elliot's hands curled into fists, and he turned away in case Dee saw his face. Liv put a hand on his shoulder.
"C'mon." She tugged him out the door, out of Dee's hearing, but he made sure the door was ajar so she could see he was still close. "Munch and Finn are on him. Huang's headed back to the house to write up a profile. The lab's processing. Cragen sent me to order you to go home."
"You think that's gonna help?"
"Go and kiss your kids. Get some sleep. You've been with Dee all day, and she's going to need you again tomorrow. Maybe a night's sleep will get her talking."
Kathy had taken the kids up to her sister's for the weekend, and there was nothing in Elliot's apartment to clear his head, but he had a much better idea. He needed a decent meal and a patient ear. "All right."
Olivia blinked. "Really?"
"I said all right."
"All right, you'll go home, or all right, you're going to give me the run-around and start chasing all the witnesses we already questioned?"
Elliot rubbed his face. "I'm wrecked, and I can barely think straight. That little girl may never get her left eye back. She's never going to sleep again. We got her out of there, and I don't even know what for. So she can face a whole new set of traumas with court and grieving her parents and living in terror of strangers."
Olivia pressed her lips. She knew the tune. Had her own verses.
"I gotta get out of here." Elliot ducked back inside to spend a few more minutes with Dee, promising her he'd be back tomorrow, then took the elevator with Olivia. He waited until they parted ways on the street before he pulled out his phone and dialled.
"Hey!"
"Please tell me you're free tonight."
There was an uncomfortable pause. "Actually, I have Holly."
Damn, Elliot had completely forgotten. If he went back to his empty apartment, he was going to do something stupid.
"Why don't you come over anyway? I'm making dinner."
"No. Sorry. Don't worry about it." Maybe he should call Liv, see if she wanted to catch a drink.
"Something's up. Come and hang out. We can talk after she's in bed."
"I don't want to intrude on your time with Holly."
"It's not an intrusion. The therapist says I should be modelling healthy adult relationships, and you're the only adult relationship I've got. Consider it a good deed."
Elliot rubbed his forehead. He'd called because he needed to blow off steam, not to mess up Toby's time with his daughter.
"She remembers you. She knows we have dinner. Don't be weird about it."
Elliot snorted, grateful to be convinced. "Sure. Does she like board games?"
"Loves them."
"I'll bring a word game. I don't soft-pedal for the kid."
"She's reading at college level." You could hear the fatherly pride beaming down the phone. "She'll kick your ass."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 6
Dr Squidlove inappropriately touches all feedback. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 4241
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 6: Rage
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 5, Sleepover:
Toby was grateful when Elliot invited him out to dinner. Not only was it a chance to stare at Elliot, but it was also a welcome distraction while Holly was at a sleepover. Toby owned up to being an alcoholic, which didn't ruin everything, and told Elliot about his dead son, Gary. Afterwards, Elliot called Maureen, and Toby called Harry. Elliot didn't appreciate the squad's curiosity about his personal life, as time with Toby became a regular habit.
Ringing hammered its way into Toby's sleep, and he floundered around for the phone on the stand. It took three tries to answer it. "Hello?"
"How did you deal with it, Toby?"
Toby sat upright. It was Chris. He couldn't speak. How could Chris be calling in the middle of the night?
"Must've had so much rage burning you up; you can't tell me you didn't want to kill everyone."
Chris was dead. A stone swelled in Toby's chest. It couldn't be Chris, calling up old sins in the dead of night. He was dead. He left Toby behind.
"Toby?"
"Who is this?"
"It's Elliot."
It took a few seconds for that name to even make sense. It was Elliot Stabler. It was almost as absurd.
"Toby, how did you deal with the rage?"
Desperation, agony in that voice, and Toby saw him curled on the floor of their cell, smoking and rocking, all his defences razed by the terror of hellfire.
"What did you do, Toby?"
What did he do with his rage? "I swore revenge on the man who fucked me."
A moment later, Elliot asked, "And?"
Toby dug his fingers into the pillow. "It got my son killed."
The harsh exhalation was clear down the tinny phone line.
Toby screwed his eyes shut and opened them again, tried to focus. "Listen, Elliot, do you want to meet somewhere?"
"No, I just-"
"Yes, you do. That's why you called me." He could feel Elliot shaking his head at the other end of the line, forming excuses as Toby swung his feet out from under the warm covers. "I'm getting dressed. Tell me where we can meet."
"You can't leave Holly-"
"Holly's at my mother's tonight. Are you at home or at work?"
"I'm at work. Outside work. Sitting in my car."
Jeans and a shirt out of the drawer. "I'll meet you at the cafe on 14th where we went last week. Get a taxi."
"I'm in the car."
"Would you let Maureen drive in the state you're in?" Toby waited, and took the silence as a no. "Then don't let her father drive in this state." It was the best badgering method Sister Pete had used on Toby, and he stole it shamelessly.
Toby hurried out of the taxi and across the sidewalk, barely noticing the cold. There'd been construction on the bridge and it had taken him almost an hour to get here. He pushed through the door and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Elliot slumped in a booth, looking a little drunk and a little like a train wreck, but at least he was here. His hands were clenched in fists on the table, his knuckles scraped and swollen. No tie, shirt unbuttoned, looking way too casual to be Elliot Stabler. Not casual enough to be Chris.
Toby slid in opposite. "What happened?"
Elliot shook his head at the table, jaw flexing. There was a fresh bruise under his left eye.
"What happened?"
"Shouldn't have called you." He played with his water glass, probably wishing it was something else. His shoulders were bunched, mouth pinched, everything locked but his fingers on the glass.
"Clearly bottling it all up isn't helping, so how about you try something else? Try talking."
"You don't know. You don't know the things I..." He suddenly dumped the glass and rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes.
Toby almost laughed. "You think you're going to turn my hair white? I shared laundry detergent with a guy who ate his mother."
The waitress stared, mouth open on her aborted greeting.
Like nothing was off, Toby said, "I'll have a strawberry milkshake. Elliot?"
"A milkshake?" echoed Elliot, looking up at Toby for the first time since he arrived.
"You strike me as a vanilla guy."
He opened his mouth, closed it, and then asked the waitress, "You got caramel?"
When she was gone, Toby put his elbows on the table. "Did you kill someone?"
"No-"
"Then you're already up on me." Six or maybe a dozen-up, depending on how far Toby carried the responsibility for Chris and Vern's actions, but they weren't here to quibble about numbers. He took hold of Elliot's wrists, felt the bunch of muscles that had been locked for god knew how long. "You called me, Elliot. So fucking talk."
"I beat a guy today." He straightened his fingers, and clenched them again, and fresh blood welled. Toby felt the shift of tendons under his hands. "Somebody dragged me off, I don't even know who. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop." Elliot's eyes were trained on the table the whole time, voice cool.
"Why'd you beat him?"
"You don't want to hear the things that scumbag did to his daughter."
"No, I definitely don't. But you're not still shaking hours later because you're sad you hurt his feelings."
"I wanted to kill him."
"Why was this guy different?"
"I told you-"
"There must have been something. If you beat the hell out of suspects every day, you wouldn't have a badge."
Elliot worked his tongue around his mouth, prodding his bruised face from the inside.
Toby wondered if it would have pushed Elliot over the edge to know Toby was hard right now. Toby's grip on his arms wasn't for Elliot's benefit anymore; this was the closest he'd felt to Chris since that first sighting. "You don't have to worry about me jamming you up. A convicted felon's hearsay."
Elliot's face twisted; apparently that hadn't been what was keeping him silent. "What happened with your son?"
"Oh, so you woke me at one am and you won't talk about your issues, but you'll tear my life open as a distraction?"
Elliot showed a flash of guilt, but he didn't apologise.
Toby didn't speak either. He'd had this same battle with Chris enough times; he could wait.
"Kathy and I had a fight last night."
"About?"
Elliot brought his hands up to rub his face, and Toby missed the contact. "Everything. My hours, money, the kids. My temper. Everything we used to fight about. I thought divorce was supposed to put an end to that." He grimaced. "She says I'm not involved in their lives, but she's the one who booted me out of their house."
Toby waited.
"I'm trying. But you spend all day staring through kiddie porn, cosying up to rapists, and there aren't enough showers to make you clean enough to hug your kids."
"I understand."
Elliot's eyes blazed like he was about to dare Toby to try, and then he nodded. "Maybe you do."
The waitress brought their shakes, and scurried away.
Elliot sucked in a breath. "Kathy and I were arguing, and I caught Lizzie watching at the bottom of the stairs, and I took a step towards her, was just going to tell her to go upstairs, and she flinched." His eyes met Toby's. "My daughter flinched." He looked like he wanted to throw up.
"Angry men are scary. Even fathers." Toby remembered how it used to distress him to see his own father on a tear about something, and he'd never known a gentler man. Thank god Holly had never seen his own rage unleashed.
Elliot glared at him. "I'd never raise a hand to my kids."
"I know."
"I would die for them."
"It's tempting, isn't it?"
Elliot froze. "What?"
Toby leaned close. He wanted to hold Elliot's wrists again, see if he could still feel Chris coiled inside. "In the dark moments it's an appealing thought. It's the greatest act of love a father can commit, and then you're done. Game over. You've proved your love, father of the year, and you don't even have to do any of the hard stuff, like teach them right from wrong or look them in the eye and deal with all the pain you've caused them along the way."
Elliot stayed perfectly still. Yeah, he knew what Toby was talking about. "We talking about me or you, now?"
"I tried."
"Tried what?"
"I tried to die for them."
His eyes widened. "What happened?"
"Someone saved me. Every day I whisper a little prayer of thanks that I get to teach Holly right from wrong, and look her in the eye and face what I've done to her. And I can promise you Elliot, I've caused her more pain than all of your kids will see together in all their lives."
Elliot squeezed his hand, and Toby's stomach lurched.
Compassion, understanding, just a dash of tough love. That was how Toby seduced Andrew Schillinger into turning to him for comfort, just like Chris taught him. And here he was, playing the same game with Elliot Stabler. Seeing that same naive trust in Elliot's eyes. Toby shouldn't have been able to beg his trust the way he'd once begged Andrew's. Toby pulled his hand away. "Is there going to be fallout from that?" He nodded towards Elliot's hands.
Poor fucking Andrew. It had been so easy, Toby was embarrassed for him. Embarrassed for himself all over again at how easily he'd fallen for Chris's manipulations.
"I got ripped by the Captain. Defence is threatening excessive force, but he threw the first punch. It won't stick."
Not with the way cops backed each other. The con and the lawyer in Toby were disgusted. The friend and the father in him were relieved. Two against two. "You might not be so lucky, next time."
"I know."
Toby didn't mean to manipulate Elliot, but he'd somehow earned Elliot's trust and he didn't know if what he was doing was any different to how he played Andrew. But what else could he do? Leave Elliot to self-destruct? "Your temper's not going to go away on its own."
"I just need to get it under control."
"You don't get rage under control, Elliot. It controls you. That's what rage is." He leaned in, for the dig. "What if Lizzie saw you like were today?"
"What?"
"You think you'd never lose it in front of her? You don't know, Elliot."
Elliot's strong hand closed around Toby's wrist. "How'd you do it?"
Toby swallowed, twice. That perfect, familiar grip. "I think of Holly and I remind myself she's the one who suffered for my weakness, every time." She paid the price for every bout of temper, and she'd pay for it if Toby used Elliot to reinvent Chris.
"Are you still writing that report, Elliot? I told you I want it on my desk by-"
"By the end of day. It'll be there, Captain."
"I don't mean by-"
"By five-thirty. It's almost done." Friendly tone, all due respect, and Elliot kept his head down until Cragen was gone. He was done with today. He was ready to be done with this whole week, with date rape drugs on college campuses, with the way Cragen had been riding his ass since Elliot laid into Gleason last week.
He'd been practising reining his temper, and today he had about fifteen minutes of this place left in him.
Elliot checked his watch again, and then wondered for the thousandth time why he checked his watch while he was staring at a computer screen with a clock in the corner. Fifteen minutes, he could get this paperwork wrapped up and be out of here, maybe beat Toby to dinner for once.
Olivia put the phone down. "That's a new one."
Elliot checked the time on the screen. "Tell me it's not a new case."
"A date actually cancelled on me for once. Now I understand why they find it so annoying."
"Karma's a bitch."
She leaned forward on her desk. "Do you want to catch a drink?"
Elliot parsed his last paragraph, swapped a couple of words. "Nah, I've got plans."
"The kids?"
"Not tonight."
"Date?" She was paying attention now, curious.
Elliot concentrated on his typing. Come hell or high water, he was getting out of here at five-thirty, leaving all this behind and relaxing with Toby. "Just a friend." He'd talked to Toby on the phone a couple of times but he hadn't seen him in since the night Toby talked him down.
"You're being mysterious."
Elliot looked up. "Am I?" He didn't mean to be. He didn't really feel like explaining, either, but he was boxed in. That's what he got for hanging out with a detective. "No, it's... You remember Tobias Beecher? He was a witness in the Markstrom case last year."
Olivia only took a moment to place him. "The gay ex-con who liked rough sex in bathrooms when his daughter was out of the way?"
Elliot gritted his teeth. That wasn't how he wanted to hear Toby described. "Yeah. We bumped into each other after the trial. We got to being friends."
She gave him that wide-eyed look, and Elliot shifted in his chair. "You struck up a friendship with a witness?" Like that was the strangest part of everything she just reeled off.
"After the case was done. Toby was never a suspect. We didn't even use him at trial."
She put up her hands. "I wasn't accusing you of anything. He just didn't exactly seem like the type you'd be buddies with."
"He's a good guy." He was the sort of guy Elliot could call in the middle of the night, when his temper got the better of him.
Olivia didn't answer, and Elliot sat back, waiting for it. Was she going to tell him they shouldn't be friends because he was an ex-con, or because he was gay?
"Beecher was fixated on you."
"Nah."
"Yes, he was. We talked about it at the time. He didn't take his eyes off you the entire interview."
That tugged at Elliot's memory, but it was so long ago, and they hadn't known each other back then. "He's not fixated now. We're friends. We have entire conversations that don't end with typing reports or threatening someone's curfew. He's a single father. He gets it."
Liv raised her hands with a smile. "Never let it be said I got between you and one of the half-dozen people on this earth who can stand your company."
Elliot went back to his keyboard. "Since you're free tonight, if anyone comes through that door, you're catching it."
Elliot had just reached the door of the pizza place when Toby came around the corner and made a show of clutching his heart to see Elliot had beaten him there. "Did the captain give you an early mark?"
Elliot smiled. "Apparently there are all sorts of advantages to good behaviour. Nobody told me."
Toby put a hand on his back as they went in and Elliot caught his breath, but just as quickly the hand was gone. Had Toby been fixated on him back in November? He'd been ignoring Olivia, Elliot remembered noticing that.
Toby waved off the menu and suggested a pizza with the lot. It suited Elliot fine. A special privilege of dining out with another man: not having to divide up the pie like conquered territory after a war. No mushrooms for Maureen, no olives for Elizabeth, extra pepperoni for Dickie. Elliot said so, and Toby shrugged. "These days I'll eat anything but chicken nuggets."
Most of the time, Elliot forgot Toby was gay. Or bisexual, or had sex with guys, or whatever label Toby would have put on it. Toby didn't give off the gay vibe, didn't talk about men or play to the stereotypes. When they talked about relationships, he only ever mentioned his dead wife, Genevieve. Elliot wondered if he felt different from when he was married. It was probably too hard to tell, piled in with everything else that had changed in his life.
Elliot hadn't been self-conscious about Toby before. Now Olivia had him obsessing over whether he was somehow leading Toby on. Elliot had invited Toby out after the trial, but he'd explained why, and Toby seemed to accept it. Toby couldn't think he was gay, could he? Elliot had been married. He'd had kids. So had Toby. But Elliot was way, way over the end of the chart heterosexual. Nobody had ever had reason to think anything else.
"Elliot?"
He blinked. "Sorry?"
Toby let out a soft laugh. "Don't worry about it. Even I find real estate boring."
"Listen, I want to ask you something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way." Elliot winced. Never a good opening.
"Okay," Toby said, cautiously.
"Do you find me attractive?" Toby's eyes widened, and Elliot put out his hands. "I don't want you to. I mean, I don't care if you do or you don't." He sounded like a moron. "I'm just asking if that's why we're hanging out. Why you're here."
Toby was trying to hide his smile, and doing a piss-poor job of it. "You're afraid I'm hitting on you."
"No. I'm not afraid of... I was just worrying I'd somehow given you the impression I'm, I don't know..."
Toby was smiling openly now at Elliot's inability to say the word, which might have been a good sign. "Blind monks find you attractive. But no, I don't have any nefarious intentions."
Elliot resisted the urge to remind Toby he was straight, like some kind of... repressed straight guy. "You paid a lot of attention to me back when we questioned you in November."
"I'm starting to think you're hitting on me."
"No! No, I'm just-"
"Relax, Elliot. I haven't bad-touched you, have I? We're friends."
"All right."
Toby picked up the cheese shaker, let it occupy his hands. "It bothers you, doesn't it? That I fuck men?"
"Of course not." Elliot stopped himself from wrinkling his nose at the language. 'Gay' would have been descriptive enough. It bothered Elliot that Toby fucked so many men, that he let guys use him that way, but Elliot doubted Toby would appreciate hearing that. It bothered Elliot that Tobias Beecher was a rape victim, a father with a traumatised daughter, and Nikos Perro had described him as a hole for his cock.
Toby just stared at him, not believing a word of it.
"Whatever consenting adults do, that's none of my business."
"'None of my business,' is code for 'It bothers me but I'll keep my mouth shut.'" Toby put down the shaker and twisted to check if the food was coming, obviously hoping the subject was going to be changed.
Elliot felt like a jerk. "I didn't mean it like that." There was only one way to get Toby back. Elliot hated honesty, but he wasn't such an asshole that he wouldn't do it when he had to. "A couple of years back, it would have got to me. I would have told you it didn't, but it would have been bullshit." Toby was paying attention, at least. "But then we had this case... I think I told you about the homophobic psychiatrist with the gay son?"
"Yeah."
"Anyway, it doesn't matter, but Casey - our ADA - was still new to SVU. She asked me if any of my kids were gay, and I almost choked. She threw it out there like she was asking if they liked baseball, and then I'll bet five minutes later she forgot all about it." He shook his head, remembering. "Not me. I chewed on that for days. Christ - weeks. Realised if any of them had come out to me, that would've been the reaction they got: paralysis. And y'know, I don't think any of them are gay but if they are, I want to be the kind of father who'd hear it and just say, 'Okay,' and not even blink." He wanted to handle it better than Finn did when he found out about his son last year.
"Are you that kind of father now?"
He wouldn't like it, but the idea didn't make him choke. Was that enough? "I think so. I played the 'What if?' game in my head until it just didn't matter anymore. I want my kids to be happy. Why should it matter who they love, as long as someone loves them back?"
"Even if they date lawyers?"
Elliot smiled. "Even if. If they can find one with a soul. You should do what makes you happy, Toby. And fuck me or anyone who has a problem with it."
Elliot expected a chuckle or a retort, but Toby just looked sad, all of a sudden.
"What?"
"You just reminded me of someone."
"Here we go, guys, one family size with the lot. Will you be needing anything else? Refills on those sodas?"
"Sure. Refills would be great, thanks."
Elliot wanted to ask who it was, but the moment was broken and maybe it was best to leave it that way. Not every conversation had to dredge through the misery of Toby's life.
The door opened and Dee flinched, squeezing Elliot's hand tighter. Her unbandaged eye was round and dark with fear.
"It's okay, Dee. It's Olivia. Do you remember her?"
She turned her head twice to say no, black plaits dragging against the pillow.
Elliot wasn't surprised. She'd been well out of it when they came in. "She's a friend of mine, a detective like me."
Olivia gave the gentle smile she saved for kids. "Hi Dee. Whatcha been doing?"
Elliot gestured to the pictures spread across the hospital bed's swinging table. "We've been drawing."
Olivia's eyes played over the papers. She would have talked to Huang outside before she came in, but she could have picked the theme up for herself.
Dee still hadn't spoken. It had been a high point this morning when Elliot got her to swap which hand was holding his so she could feed herself, and then be coaxed into using the pencils Huang brought.
"Dee, I brought someone to see you."
A woman stepped in. "Sweetheart!" and he could hear Dee let out a breath, reaching her free hand. This had to be the aunt Munch had been searching for, the closest relative this little girl had now. She touched Dee's face and then pulled her into a hug, and Elliot stretched his fingers, bereft.
"You okay?" Olivia asked softly.
"I'm going to get a needle for this son of a bitch."
"Lawyer's already got him back on the street."
Elliot's hands curled into fists, and he turned away in case Dee saw his face. Liv put a hand on his shoulder.
"C'mon." She tugged him out the door, out of Dee's hearing, but he made sure the door was ajar so she could see he was still close. "Munch and Finn are on him. Huang's headed back to the house to write up a profile. The lab's processing. Cragen sent me to order you to go home."
"You think that's gonna help?"
"Go and kiss your kids. Get some sleep. You've been with Dee all day, and she's going to need you again tomorrow. Maybe a night's sleep will get her talking."
Kathy had taken the kids up to her sister's for the weekend, and there was nothing in Elliot's apartment to clear his head, but he had a much better idea. He needed a decent meal and a patient ear. "All right."
Olivia blinked. "Really?"
"I said all right."
"All right, you'll go home, or all right, you're going to give me the run-around and start chasing all the witnesses we already questioned?"
Elliot rubbed his face. "I'm wrecked, and I can barely think straight. That little girl may never get her left eye back. She's never going to sleep again. We got her out of there, and I don't even know what for. So she can face a whole new set of traumas with court and grieving her parents and living in terror of strangers."
Olivia pressed her lips. She knew the tune. Had her own verses.
"I gotta get out of here." Elliot ducked back inside to spend a few more minutes with Dee, promising her he'd be back tomorrow, then took the elevator with Olivia. He waited until they parted ways on the street before he pulled out his phone and dialled.
"Hey!"
"Please tell me you're free tonight."
There was an uncomfortable pause. "Actually, I have Holly."
Damn, Elliot had completely forgotten. If he went back to his empty apartment, he was going to do something stupid.
"Why don't you come over anyway? I'm making dinner."
"No. Sorry. Don't worry about it." Maybe he should call Liv, see if she wanted to catch a drink.
"Something's up. Come and hang out. We can talk after she's in bed."
"I don't want to intrude on your time with Holly."
"It's not an intrusion. The therapist says I should be modelling healthy adult relationships, and you're the only adult relationship I've got. Consider it a good deed."
Elliot rubbed his forehead. He'd called because he needed to blow off steam, not to mess up Toby's time with his daughter.
"She remembers you. She knows we have dinner. Don't be weird about it."
Elliot snorted, grateful to be convinced. "Sure. Does she like board games?"
"Loves them."
"I'll bring a word game. I don't soft-pedal for the kid."
"She's reading at college level." You could hear the fatherly pride beaming down the phone. "She'll kick your ass."
end chapter 6
Dr Squidlove inappropriately touches all feedback. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
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no subject
Date: 2014-10-10 11:25 am (UTC)Can't wait for the next chapter.
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Date: 2014-10-11 11:00 am (UTC)Just wouldn't be Elliot without some anger issues. :-)
And it does seem unlikely that he's going to be a fan of Chris. We'll see.
Thanks, mazephoenix!
S.
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Date: 2014-10-10 01:43 pm (UTC)Lovely chapter.
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Date: 2014-10-11 11:10 am (UTC)Thanks sparrow!
There has to be someone in the world who can drag the talking out of Elliot. Apparently it's not Kathy. (Or more likely, it isn't anymore. I like to believe he used to do better at it.)
I always like it when Elliot and Olivia keep each other honest. Or try to, anyway...
S.
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Date: 2014-10-11 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-12 10:15 am (UTC)I think these are valid concerns. I would most certainly expect Elliot to have some reservations. :-)
Thank you so much for letting me know what's catching your attention, helvetica. This is exactly what I need to know to keep the story where I want it.
S.
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Date: 2014-10-12 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-13 01:23 am (UTC)I shall see if I can serve up some drama, then...
S.
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Date: 2014-10-12 11:38 am (UTC)A long, angsty, slow burn story is a rare thing to come by in this fandom and looks like yours is gonna be the longest of them all.
I can't wait for the following chapters and find out how Elliot's gonna freak out about Chris; feeling betrayed but also at the same time realize how he already can't live his life without Toby.
Thanks again for your wonderful story, please keep updating whenever you can. :]
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Date: 2014-10-12 11:54 am (UTC)Oh, raistlinm, if you had any idea how much a comment like this means... I totally get social awkwardness, but trust me, you've made my day. (And your English is good!)
Oh, it's so long and so self-indulgent. Sometimes I thought I should try to hack it down, but since this is the kind of sprawling thing that *I* like to read, I figured there are plenty of other people who like some sprawl, too.
Thank you so, so much!
S
no subject
Date: 2014-10-13 02:06 pm (UTC)Still, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-15 10:30 am (UTC)Dropping shoes? Maybe...
Thanks mulder!
S.